ISIS Launches Attack from Local Theater Roof Destroying a Car

ISIS Terrorists on the Del Oro Theater. Source: Instagram
ISIS Terrorists on the Del Oro Theater. Source: Instagram

Grass Valley, CA — A rocket-propelled grenade was fired from the roof of the Del Oro Theater striking a late model Toyota late Saturday afternoon in Grass Valley, CA. The attack, which the terrorist group ISIS took responsibility for, was targeting the first white car to emerge from the Safeway parking lot on Neal Street. The grenade struck the front of the car, causing the engine compartment to burst into flames. The driver escaped unharmed.

“Yeah, oh boy,” said local handyman Hank Snow who was driving the car. “I was just coming out of the Safeway, you know. And bam! I was hit by something. It’s not even my car. See, I am working on a project over off of 174 there, and I needed to get some beer and Ranch Dressing at the Safeway. So I borrowed my client’s car. I didn’t think they’d miss it, but boy I’ll tell you, I have a lot of explaining to do.”

According to Police reports, ISIS terrorists had gained access to the roof of the iconic Del Oro theater in downtown Grass Valley, CA. At the time of this writing, their motivation was unclear, however Officer Daniel Jacobson of the Grass Valley Police Department shared his theory.

Car after being targeted by ISIS terrorists. Source: Mike Meals.
Car after being targeted by ISIS terrorists. Source: Mike Meals.

“The way I look at it,” said Officer Jacobson jamming his thumbs into his belt as he spoke, “these ISIS terrorist types are all pissed off about getting caught by the sheriff up there in Malakoff [Malakoff Diggins State Park]. And we didn’t get them all. Most of them, but not all of them. So the stragglers were waiting to take their revenge for their fallen terrorist buddies. It’s taken them 9 months to plan this attack. And what better place than to do it from the top of the Del Oro.”

No one was injured in the attack and the fire department was able to put out the fire in quick order. The three ISIS terrorists escaped without being caught, apprehended or identified. Witnesses said they saw the Jihadists escaping down Mill Street towards the Fairgrounds before disappearing down old Auburn road. A Waste Management worker claimed he spotted a couple of “middle eastern looking” men making their way across the Transfer Station.

The Department of Homeland Security had no comment on the matter, but stressed that the public should remain calm and contact authorities if they spot anyone or anything suspicious.