Facebook/Raqqa, Syria The Islamic Group Islamic State of Iraq and Syria or ISIS has announced its intentions to attack George Takei‘s Facebook page. On September 16 the ISIS militant group posted a “warning” video informing the infidels of America that they should fear for their Facebook likes for Mr. Takei. Their message was clear: they have a list of everyone who’s “liked” the former Star Trek star’s Facebook page and will shut it down immediately.

“This is terrible news”, said Roy Riffle outside on Broad Steet in Nevada City. “Facebook George Takei plays so heavily in my novel. I’m not sure what I’ll do if ISIS attacks him.”

Thousands of Syrians and Iraqis have been slain by ISIS militants as the Sunni extremist group seeks to build an Islamic caliphate stretching across a swath of territory. But the torture and execution of Western captives hold greater shock value outside the region’s borders and represents a powerful propaganda tool.

Shortly after the video was posted on YouTube, @ISIS tweeted a list of torture techniques to be implemented if ‘President Stormy’ does not cease his military operations in Iraq.

The complete list of torture techniques for the hostages included:

  • Shutting down George Takei’s Facebook account
  • Reviving the Ice bucket challenge combined with waterboarding techniques
  • 48-hour TV marathon of reality series The Real Housewives of Orange County (seasons 2006-2014)
  • Internet use limited to a dial-up modem and Gateway PC with Windows Vista Home Basic
  • Meals limited to overheated Hot Pockets and Safeway Refresh! brand diet sodas
  • Only Americans allowed to visit hostages are Jehovah’s Witnesses
  • Restrictions on the number of cartoons R.L. Crabb can produce without the threat of more torture
  • Only books available are authored by Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck or Michele Bachmann
  • Playing Canadian rock band Nickelback’s eight albums on repeat
  • Internet Porn Sites cover women head-to-toe in burkas
  • Film library limited to VHS copies of motion pictures with comedian Pauly Shore
  • Only video game available is E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial on the Atari 2600 game console
  • Daily chores including bathing and brushing teeth of ISIS camels

Gish Gallop will continue to follow this breaking story and provide updates on a regular basis.