Cedar Ridge, CA — A group of Jehovah’s Witnesses was cited early this week for removing Christmas decorations in a Cedar Ridge neighborhood. The group, not normally known for such aggressive, anti-holiday activity, spent several hours in the early Monday morning removing decorations in the Summerset Drive neighborhood and replacing them with eraser-less, #2 “Birthday Jesus” pencils. It is unclear at the time of this writing if this is related to the ongoing “War on Christmas” currently sweeping across the country.
“Well, I came out this morning, and all of my decorations were gone,” said a perturbed Janet Williams of Cedar Ridge. “I have spent years collecting these things. Like my 4 foot Frosty the Snowman that randomly says ‘what’s ‘sup homey’ to my mostly naked Santa who waves at people driving by. What am I going to do with these 200 or so Jesus pencils?”
Jehovah’s Witnesses is a “millenarian restorationist” Christian denomination with non-trinitarian beliefs distinct from mainstream Christianity. They are best known for their door-to-door preaching, distributing literature such as The Watchtower and Awake!, and refusing military service and blood transfusions. They do not observe Christmas, Easter, birthdays, or other holidays and customs they consider to have pagan origins incompatible with Christianity.
According to the Sheriff’s report, a “gang” of up to 15 Jehovah’s Witnesses were involved in the acts. Although no actual decorations were stolen, the members were charged with trespassing and vandalism. The group removed holiday-themed items from as many as 34 homes. However, only three residents filed complaints with the Sheriff, including Cedar Ridge resident Tommy Empire.
“What the hell is this shit?” exclaimed Mr. Empire from the porch of his Sommerset Drive home. “We spent a lot of money on this crap. Well, Peg [Peggy Empire] did. I hate this stuff. All of it. It’s a mess to put up, and it’s a mess to take down. I mean, I don’t like people coming on my property, but at least they stacked the decorations in a neat pile over there,” Mr. Empire continued as he pointed towards the side of his house. “The only upside to all of this is maybe Peg won’t drag me to Wall-Mart next year to get more of this crap. But knowing her, this won’t stop her.”
Some members of the neighborhood were non-plussed.
“Well, we don’t decorate anything,” said neighborhood resident Pete Johnson. “It’s not that we’re not into Christmas or anything like that. It’s more like we’re too busy. I guess some would say lazy. Whatever it is, we’re not into it. Besides, ever since we started keeping our pet cougar ‘Mittens’ in the front yard. No one fucks with us. Also, UPS doesn’t deliver anymore, and I haven’t seen a meat salesman in over a year.”
As for the good of “JW Vandals,” as they are now being called, requests for comments from the elders of the local church have gone unanswered.