Juice Diet Threatens Marriage

Russ Feingold of Grass Valley, CA is worried that his new juice diet will wreck his marriage.
Russ Feingold of Grass Valley, CA is worried that his new juice diet will wreck his marriage.

Grass Valley, CA — Russ Feingold of Grass Valley is worried about the state of his marriage after starting a new all-juice diet. His wife of 18 years, Beth Feingold, saw a documentary on Netflix and decided to put Russ and herself on a “Juice Fast Challenge” for 7 days.

“I don’t know if I can make it,” said a distraught Mr. Feingold, in an exclusive Gish Gallop phone interview.” I mean, I’m not feeling so good and I’m hungry as hell. But more importantly, I don’t think our marriage will survive this.”

Juice Fasting typically includes large quantities of raw green plant matter such as kale, cucumber, dandelions, mustard greens, lettuces and other hearty plants.

“Holy cow. This stuff tastes like sh*t. Can I say that in your paper?” asked Mr. Feingold. “Anyhow, I drink it real fast. I can’t say I feel any better.”

Beth Feingold just doesn't understand the world.
Beth Feingold

Juice dieting or cleanse fasting is a recent diet fad brought on by the 2011 Netflix sensation Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead whereby Joe Cross encourages people to adopt a strict juice-drinking plan involving a plant-based diet. Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead has more than doubled the sales of Breville Juicers.

“I know he doesn’t like these green juices. Frankly, they’re not my favorite either,” a concerned Ms. Feingold told Gish Gallop. “But we have to do this for our health, for our families.”

Ms. Feingold belongs to a growing number of people who are very concerned about the American diet, a diet that consists of too many processed and “junk” foods. Along with juice fasting, she is also following the American Heart Association’s nutrition guidelines.

“Russ is really grumpy. But he’s sleeping better and he’s already lost a lot of weight. I don’t think we’ll need to see a marriage counselor anytime soon,” joked Ms. Feingold.


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