Ayn Issa, Northern Syria — After briefly being detained by the United States Special Forces under suspicion of aiding the enemy, the world-famous Kool-Aid Man was released to his own devices after denying he had anything to do with the recent jailbreak of ISIS terrorists.
According to several reports, more than 800 suspected IS detainees escaped the Ayn Issa camp in northern Syria on Sunday, Kurdish forces said in a statement, several days into Turkey’s military incursion into northern Syria. Jelal Ayaf, the co-chair of Ayn Issa camp, told local media that 859 people “successfully escaped” with a suspicious “red pitcher character” who had spontaneously burst through the prison’s northern wall.
“We were doing our best to keep the enemy contained in their cells,” said Mr. Ayaf commenting on the ordeal. “We were taking fire from the southeast when suddenly there was this great shaking, and this thing exploded through the wall shouting this ‘Oh Yeah’ thing over and over. After that, the militants started pouring out from behind him.”
ISIS Sings His Praises with a “Hey, Kool-Aid”
For their part, ISIS released a statement praising the Kool-Aid Man for his instrumental efforts in freeing “God’s fighters.”
“The battle has just begun,” said Mustafa Seijari, an unofficial ISIS commander, said in a web post on Monday. “And praise Allah for sending this fat red man to free us. Yes, he is a bit odd. But his magic has freed the fighters, and interestingly quenched their thirst.”
According to Captain James ‘Jimmie” MacDougal, of the US Expeditionary Special Forces, they found no evidence that the Kool-Aid man was working with ISIS.
“After an extensive investigation, we found that the Kool-Aid man had no involvement or coordination with terrorist forces in Northern Syria. We’re not even sure how he got there or why he was in prison. Apparently, one of the prisoners yelled ‘Hey, Kool-Aid’ after recognizing him from American television. And the rest was automatic. The Kool-Aid Man told us he thought he was performing at a Cosplay convention in Ohio. And he was sorry for the mistake.”
The US Department of State said the Kool-Aid Man is safe back at home now. However, Congress is looking to subpoena him to see what he knows about President Trump and “the Turkey situation.”