Lab Analysis Proves Dollar General Products Are Crap

Proposed Dollar General Store. Photo: Sarah Azura Belou
Proposed Dollar General Store. Photo: Sarah Azura Belou

Palo Alto, CA The Rundex Family Foundation, the esteemed research company located in Palo Alto, CA, has just completed a 2 year study of the popular convenience store Dollar General. Their exhaustive report, which included over 472 pages of findings, has concluded that everything Dollar General sells is crap.

“This was one of the projects where we knew the results before we started,” Rundex Family Foundation head researcher Robert Colvin said in a Gish Gallop telephone interview. “Not that this colored our study. No Way. But we concluded that just about everything they sell at a Dollar General is crap. And it doesn’t provide any economic depth to the community with jobs or tax revenue. And besides, we hear that there’s a Bigfoot in the Alta Sierra area.”

As reported by the Union,  residents of rural Alta Sierra, which lies approximately 5 miles south of Grass Valley, CA have objected to a proposed Dollar General store which “would destroy the rural character of the community and exacerbate the already stressful traffic patterns,” according to the Union. Citizens have also complained that the area does not need an additional convenience store. According to the developer, Dollar General is like a small general store that sells the same crap you can get at other local grocery stores.

Rundex Family Foundation researcher Robert Colvin reviewing the study at the facility's Palo Alto, CA headquarters.
Rundex Family Foundation researcher Robert Colvin reviewing the study at the facility’s Palo Alto, CA headquarters.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” continued Mr. Colvin. “This is a race to the bottom as we seek cheaper and cheaper piles of crap. You could say that Dollar General is simply answering a market need. And you would be correct. But if Americans keep this bottom feeding frenzy up, it’s going to eventually deteriorate their buying power by contributing to the annihilation of the middle class. All that for Tide that’s sometimes $.14 cheaper. This is not sustainable.”

Gish Gallop will continue to follow this story and report on any crap or Bigfoot sightings around the Dollar General development.

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