Lake Tahoe Cruise Ship Sinks, 312 Not Dead

File photo: Tahoe paddle boat often seen on Lake Tahoe.
File photo: Tahoe paddle boat often seen on Lake Tahoe.

Stateline, NV — Lake Tahoe, a world-renowned playground paradise, fell prey today to a disaster of epic proportion.

The MS Dixie II, a paddle wheel river boat that provides tours of Lake Tahoe, sank like a stone into the icy depths of the huge alpine lake about an hour after leaving its mooring in Zephyr Cove.

“It was like the driver was trying to crash into things,” chirped excited witness, Tommy Wayne. “Several boats on the lake had really close calls with the big ship. It was like he was gunning for them. Never seen anything like it.”

“They almost cut us in two,” claimed Tahoe boater, Chris McGovern. “Luckily, we saw them coming and we were able to punch it and get out of the way.”

Several passengers were able to make phone calls to friends and family before the horrific crash. Most claiming that they were in fear for their safety because the captain seemed intoxicated and was driving very erratically.

The ship struck ground shortly after turning around in Emerald Bay. By the time the fatal gouges in the hull were realized, it was too late. The ship had taken on so much water it was impossible for it to stay afloat. Witnesses say it sank in less than two minutes, into 1000+ feet of water.

“I’m not the least bit surprised,” whined Jay Rodriguez, Zephyr Cove marina manager, “all of our captains are infantile drunks.”

The Douglas county sheriff’s office, along with the Coast Guard, made a valiant rescue attempt but were unable to get to the scene in time to save everyone who did not die. The NTSB has taken over the investigation. A preliminary reporting says alcohol is a very likely factor. All further cruises for the summer are “ride at your own peril”. A press conference is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 10 am.

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