Leak: Facebook Feeds Managed By Two Grumpy Men in a Balcony

A leaked internal document from Facebook reveals how the social media giant controls your feed.
A leaked internal document from Facebook reveals how the social media giant controls your feed.

Menlo Park, CA — In recent weeks, Facebook has been “cracking down” on fake news sources appearing on user’s feeds. After receiving many complaints that posts are being “throttled” [the technical term for limited] by the social media giant’s secret algorithm, earlier this week a company insider leaked a memo detailing how Facebook manages its user experience.

According to this anonymous source, who wished to only be identified as “Ms. P” for fear of retaliation,  an internal Facebook memo detailed how Facebook makes decisions about what appears on user’s news feed.

“I have to be very careful because this is of the most top-secret importance,” said ‘Miss P’ in a poor attempt to muffle her voice over the telephone. “They’re watching us all the time from that balcony. They are full of judgments and hate everything. But you already knew that. And they make all the decisions about what you see on Facebook. That’s all I can say now. By the way, I don’t care what you think of me unless you think I’m awesome. In which case you are right.”

Facebook and other social media companies were in the news recently when lawyers for these companies appeared in front of Congress to answer how their platforms aided foreign interference in the 2016 U.S. Presidential election cycle and have allowed some users to trigger a possible nuclear war while banning some for calling them out on it. Critics have long held that companies like Facebook and Google are afraid that Congress will force them to publish how they are making publishing decisions, which many in the industry regard as their “secret sauce.”

“Well I gotta tell you, it all makes sense now,” said Southern California-based comedian and satirist James Schlarmann who has been the subject of what he describes as ‘dumb-fuck Facebook’. “These guys have no sense of humor, and now everyone has to be subjected to that light-weight pedestrian bore [Andy] Borowitz.”

The leaked memo details how two elderly men, who Gish Gallop has identified as Mr. Statler and Mr. Waldorf, make critical decisions about what’s called “reach” on Facebook. Previously, it was thought that a computer algorithm called EdgeRank was responsible for controlling the user experience, but now that the cantankerous pair has been outed by “Miss P” this could become a game changer for many publications on Facebook.

However, for the average Facebook user, the bombshell revelation probably won’t change their social media habits.

“I really don’t care who’s controlling Facebook,” said Doug Williams, a Trump supporter and a Facebook administrator of several ‘Men Going Their Own Way’ or MGTOW groups which specialize in promoting “men’s rights” issues such as reducing alimony payments, promoting misogyny, and giving wayward Millennial alt-right men a vehicle to explore their latent homosexual urges. “We have our own tight-knit community here, and it’s working just fine. So why change a good thing, you know? I mean, they’re [Statler and Waldorf] men, right?”

Facebook said via email that it has no knowledge about the two men and had no further comment.

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