Pasadena, CA — Scientists at NASA and the Pasadena Jet Propulsion (JPL) laboratory announced during a hasty press conference that a massive explosion on the Sun’s Surface, otherwise known as a coronal mass ejection, has happened early this morning and is heading straight towards Earth at approximately 40,000 miles per hour. The event is so large, that it has the possibility to wipe out all life on Earth in a horrendous fire storm. The disaster is expect to hit Earth one day before the United States election on November 4th, 2016 or November 18th if you are a Donald Trump supporter.
A coronal mass ejection (CME) is an unusually large release of plasma and magnetic field from the solar corona. They often follow solar flares and are normally present during a solar prominence eruption. The plasma is released into the solar wind, and can be observed in coronagraph imagery. If the ejection is significant enough, it can destroy entire planets.
“Well, the timing of this event is certainly suspicious,” said Trump Campaign Manager KellyAnne Conway. “This seems to be another bit of evidence of the media trying to manipulate the election by keeping people away from the polls.”
Recent national polling suggests that Donald Trump’s support has slipped below 10% and is continuing in a negative direction. Addressing the trend, the controversial Republican candidate has said that the election is “rigged” and there is wide-spread voter fraud despite lacking any evidence to support that. According to observers, it appears Mr. Trump is channeling 1968 southern Democrat George Wallace’s techniques to appeal to the Nation’s disenfranchised, dumpster fire white vote. Wallace, who had served one term as Alabama governor, started out with a big bump in the polls. In mid September in 1968 he had the support of 21% of voters, while Nixon had a wide lead over Humphrey. By October 1968, he began to complain about the polls being stacked against him and said they were conducted by the Eastern establishment and moneyed interests.
“It’s rigged. Rigged I tell you people,” said Donald Trump during a Ohio campaign stop in the morning. “The media and their international banking friends have created a story with the help of egghead government scientists to scare you into not voting. Not funny folks. Rigged.”
When asked to clarify Mr. Trump’s insinuation that the pending life-ending coronal mass ejection is a creating of the establishment, Ms. Conway offered a clarification.
“He was not talking about the actual coronal mass ejection, but rather it was a metaphor for how Americans feel about what’s going on. They’re not happy with what’s being told to them. Donald Trump takes what scientists say very seriously.”