Local Conservatives: God Hates Apple

Apple CEO Tim Cook is excited about Apple Products that alert users of new Apple Products.
Apple CEO Tim Cook is excited about Apple Products that alert users of new Apple Products and being gay.

Earth/Nevada County, CA — Following the announcement that Apple Corporation CEO Tim Cook is homosexual, local conservatives released a statement saying this proves that Apple promoting the “gay agenda.”

“It is clear with this recent announcement that Apple has been pushing the gay agenda for years now. We suspected such from the company’s support of Proposition 8 to its effeminate designs, but now that we know their ring leader is a proclaimed homosexual, our suspicions that Apple is attempting to turn the world gay have been confirmed. We’ve tried to preach hate the sin, love the sinner, but this is going to take a lot more than prayer to undo.”

Apple has long been the leader in both the consumer electronics arena, as well as one of the most progressive employers in world having supported what are considered by some to be “Liberal” causes. This stance on Progressive issues tends to raise eyebrows of conservatives and Chick fil A customers.

“Look, how does Apple get away with this?” Questioned an agitated Daft Franklin of Roseville, CA outside of the Pleasant Grove Blvd Chick fil A. “The CEO of Chick fil A proclaims family values of God-ordained marriage, and people call him a bigot and a hater. But Tim Cook gets celebrated for promoting his one-world gaydom. The end is near, fella. I’ll tell you.”

Not everyone is upset about the announcement.

“Who cares if he is gay,” said Janet Williams outside of Safeway. “What do these assholes want? A government law to prevent people from buying gay iPhones? Wouldn’t that be ironic, eh? And besides, thinking a thing or a company is trying to make the world gay is just plain stupid. Although I have to admit the new chubby iPhone 6 is pretty stylish.”

Brock Whalen of Bring Back Glenn Beck
Brock Whalen of Bring Back Glenn Beck

Local Tea Party spokesman Brock Whalen had a slight departure from other local conservatives.

“It’s everyone’s right to be free as possible,” said Brock Whalen from his Penn Valley home office via Skype. “We support Tim Cook’s right to be gay, to carry firearms and to shop with plastic bags. Even if their products are a little, well you know, faggy.”


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randallfinkelsteinAnthony Kropotkin Recent comment authors
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Anthony Kropotkin
Anthony Kropotkin

And don’t get them started on Google being anti-science! Now that we now God is supported by science according to Pliny the Elder how can we sit still knowing that Google believes in Anthropogenic Global warming? If we can have an anthropomorphic God why can’t we have an anthropogenic climate?


Thanks Mr. Kropotkin for these important questions. They need to be asked. However, we suspect it has something to do with the well water on Banner Mountain.

Again, thanks again for the important questions, and your almost impossible-to-pronounce last name.