Sacramento, CA — The Schultz’s Pomeranian “Dazzler” shocked her Sacramento family by converting to Fundamentalist Islam. The Schultz family, who happen to be Jewish, knew something was not right when Dazzler began to spell out “the problem is with the infidels” with her kibble and would randomly bite family members’ ankles for no apparent reason. Well, there was a reason.

The owner of Dazzler, now Aaliya Hussein, David Schultz, spoke to Gish Gallop about Aaliya’s conversion.

“This all began when she started hanging out with that damn Persian cat next door,”  said David. “I can’t even call her Dazzler, she wants to be called Aaliya. She spends all day at the dog park trying to convert other dogs wearing a little Pomeranian burka.”

Dazzler that is, Aaliya is believed to be influenced by online videos of dogs being used by terrorist faction ISIS, and sources say she’s trying to build her own K-9 sleeper cell. Neighbors are keeping their dogs inside to prevent any interaction with her.

Liam Schwimmer, neighbor to the Schultz household gave Gish Gallop his opinion on the dog formerly known as Dazzler.

“I sit and wonder if all those times she licked my hand, was she just luring me into a false sense of security?” said Liam. “I won’t let her near my kids, what if she converts them.”

What remains of Homeland Security has also become alarmed at the radicalization of a family dog. They are investigating and monitoring the situation.

Aaliya spoke to Gish Gallop about why she converted to Islam.

“It all started a year ago when my owners put me in a dog show. It was so degrading,” said Aaliya Hussein. “After enduring the objectifying humiliation and ridicule from my friends, it just makes sense now. I am a modest, Muslim dog.”

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Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.