Local Drug Dealers Aim Lower: Teenager Drug Use “Passe”

Drug use among teens is now considered "not news." The News has moved onto younger generations.
Drug use among teens is now considered “not news.” The News has moved onto younger generations.

Grass Valley, CA — Not long after the “Jump 21 Street”-style drug busts at the Nevada Union High School campus uncovered a startling amount of high school students constantly on drugs ranging from marijuana to methamphetamine and ecstasy, many Nevada County residents have stated that the county’s drugged High School population “isn’t really news anymore.”

In the “nothing is shocking anymore” news category,  a recent drug usage survey of 143 Nevada Union High School students asked “How Much Is Too Much?”  A majority of the teens responded with, “it’s never enough. Just like the things I do to get mom and dad to stop fighting.” A smaller number of participants answered, “sometimes,” and a fourteen wrote-in “Mr. Deasy is a dick.” Four teens left the survey completely blank.

The motivation for this new survey comes on the news that local preteens and toddlers have taken to raising the bar to get kids back on the news for doing drugs.

“I’ve shot ‘gear‘ since I was 6 years old”, said 5th grader Tyler Swanson, who will turn 11 this July.  Tyler and he and his buddies have crawled up the ladder and started selling the dope, cut mostly with glitter and electrical tape to their fellow students at Scotten Elementary, making many dealers in this town outraged.

Local dealers are feeling the pinch.

“These kids have stolen my business and selling dope to other kids,” said local drug dealer James “Trench Coat” Swanson, 36 years old.  “I’m pissed because, like, you know, I have a kid too.  And for all I know, while I’m away, he could be out there dealing drugs.  And that takes away from my business.”

Some Anti-Marijuana conservatives in the area were dismissive about this “harder” drug epidemic with younger children, and recommended that we focus on more important issues.

“I have no idea what I’m doing,” said Don Bessee, local chapter executive director of the misnamed Smart Approaches to Marijuana. “That didn’t come out right. What I meant was, I just know how to stop Marijuana grows.   I have no idea what to do about these other drugs. Marijuana is the real problem for our teenyboppers, anyway. This other stuff is just hype from the ASA people.”

With regard to whether this is news-worthy or not, sooner or later these youngsters will become “old news” while pre-schoolers and infants take the lead. According to experts, then newborn babies who are already addicted to meth will take the spotlight, and then there will be no news at all for the misguided and inattentive parents to worry about.

“When does this end?” asked Swanson.  “Soon, it’s going to be time for these kids to start straightening up and, I don’t know, go play in the corner or something, because daddy’s busy.”

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Warren Hartwell
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Warren Hartwell

The author of this article seems to have his finger on the pulse of Nevada County. When we get them hooked in the womb we will have it made.

Mrs. Peace
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Mrs. Peace

What?!? And just when did this sort of thing start taking place on our playgrounds? I am a good mother and am horrified at the implications of this!

TheDirtmover
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TheDirtmover

And here I thought smuggling M&M’s into school was the big money maker since the big gov. crackdown

and the “healthy lunch” program kicked in. My Grand kid can just about retire from her DORITOS® racket

on the playground.