Nevada City, CA — Following recent reports of drought-stricken bears invading Nevada City dumpsters and restaurants, a local company has stepped-up to provide a solution to this growing problem. After the successful planning phase of the Dollar Fur Store which will be located at the foot of Broad Street, Roseville, CA developer Jackson-Pilfer properties has solved the recent “bear/drought” crisis by creating a 19 foot round sinkhole at the intersections of Broad and Pine Streets and filling it with delicious crepes to attract the hungry animals.
“At first it wasn’t working at all,” said Jackson-Pilfer partner Justin Sayslong in a Gish Gallop interview. “Locals were just climbing in and taking the crepes while tourists just stood there staring. We even saw a local Weatherman hop in there and swipe crepes right out of a teenagers hand. Eventually our on-site guy explained the plan and everyone got out, well, except for the Weatherman who had to be forcibly removed. Anyhow after that, sure enough, we caught 4 bears.”
The project was completed without permits, environmental impact reports or frankly without any thought. According to people close to the project, Mr. Sayslong did this on a whim, working with a local excavator sub-contractor who simply goes by the name of “Dirtmover.”
“I just told ‘dirtmover’ we needed a 9 foot deep hole right there on Broad Street to catch bears,” continued Mr. Sayslong, “and he did it. And fast. It was dug by the end of the day the Penn Valley way.”
Although some fear that this new “sinkhole trap” means the demise of the bears, especially considering that Jackson-Pilfer properties is interested in the local fur business, Mr. Sayslong wanted to dispel any rumors that his firm or their fur stores will be harming these bears.
“Well, we are sensitive to the demands of Nevada City and the surrounding communities, ” said Mr. Sayslong furrowing his brows. “This is why we import all of our pelts and furs from places most Americans have only seen on TV. So no, these animals will not be dispatched, but rather re-purposed for the new bear boxing on Commercial Street. We see this as a win-win for everyone.”
The boxing plan calls for setting up a special boxing ring over the existing Commercial Street boardwalk where the previously trapped bears will engage in 5-10 rounds for the enjoyment patrons. The bouts will be free due to generous underwriting of local radio station KNCO. The spectacle will start soon.
Local leaders are generally positive about this new, “middle-of-the-literal-road” bear solution, but warn both drivers and pedestrians to watch out for the gaping hole.