Grass Valley, CA — The Grass Valley, CA police department has opened a new battle line in the war on Christmas this year. Attempting to both soften the image of police and send a message to liberal elites around the country, the small former gold rush town’s law enforcement announced today that they will install mule deer antlers and Christmas wreaths on all patrol vehicles.
According to department insiders, they initially wanted to install reindeer antlers, as they are more “seasonally correct,” however no one knew where to get authentic “Santa” antlers. However some quick-thinking from a 15 year veteran Officer Jimmie “James Dean” McAllister, who also happens also to be an avid hunter, saved the day as he had a large collection of antlers in his home trophy room.
“I wanted to do my part,” said Officer McAllister speaking in the parking lot outside Grass Valley police headquarters. “I had more than enough antlers for the entire squad. Even enough for Nevada City cars and the Sheriff if they wanted them, which they didn’t. Their loss, I suppose. I have all kinds of antlers. Last year I was in Newfoundland and I bagged two moose. So we’re using those too.”
The “Winning the War on Christmas” campaign is the brainchild of local conservative and former local election failure Brock Whalen of Penn Valley, CA. After his failed 2013 campaign for Park Commission, Mr. Whalen has been on a quest to bring Glenn Beck to Nevada County for a speaking engagement. When that didn’t pan-out, he set his sights on the next most pressing issue for the county: the war on Christmas. After over 13 months of trying to convince the Grass Valley Police to fight-back against what he calls the “godless liberal elites,” officials decided to give it a try.
“Look, we all know with the recent win of Donald Trump, America is back on track to being great again,” said Mr. Whalen speaking outside his Lake Wildwood home. “But we can’t stop there. We’ve got the liberal egghead elites on the run and now is the time to take back Christmas like we’re taking back America. I’m guessing when liberals see these antlers, they’ll think twice about stopping the most important Christian holiday ever.”
Despite that the antlers are probably in violation of at least 4 vehicle codes, most locals seem to be giving the police a pass.
“I’m tired of all the police bashing over a few bad eggs,” said Penn Valley retiree and traffic roundabout protester Mary Shilling. “I think it’s special that they’re doing this in Grass Valley. When my Frank was alive, we would have done the same thing because he hated all of this liberal political correctness. I’m so proud to be an American Christian right now.”
According to a memo released by the Grass Valley Police department, the antlers will stay on patrol vehicles until December 25th, but considering how popular they are, they may keep them installed as long as Officer McAllister is OK with it.