Local Schizophrenic Lawyer Sues Self for Fall

nutsacklawyerNevada City, CA — Nevada County is about to make legal history as Fernwood Z. Frischland, Esq., filed a civil suit against himself for a nasty fall he suffered in front of his home at 24444 Old Tunnel Road.

The plaintiff claims that his alter personality, named Sarah, has been conspiring against him since moving into the new home and rearranging the furniture. “She’s such a [deleted]”, Frischland stated on the courtroom steps after filing the papers.

When asked why he moved, Mr. Frischland admitted he was tired of living in “her” house following “her” rules all the time. He also complained that “she” would eat all the middles out of the Oreos.

“There was only one thing to do when your driven to such lengths”, Mr. Frischland reflected. “I had to move and start a new life for myself. Unfortunately, “she” came along, too. And boy was she pissed. That’s why she tripped me on my driveway.”

As a result of the fall, Mr. Frischland has a displaced ego and a fractured cuticle, which he claims is preventing him from working and keeping him awake at nights with flatulence.

Sarah was unable to be reached for comment, but Frischland conjectured that she made him fall out of spite. “She is such a  [deleted]”, he yelled. “Sometimes she would stroke my, you know…ego, at the most inconvenient times, like at the supermarket, or in court, just to make me squirm. It’s time she paid.”

Mr. Frischland is asking for $235.43 in damages and $20 million in pain and suffering. When asked how he expects Sarah to pay him such a large sum, he explained that he could write it off as a loss on his taxes. He also said he would save legal expenses being both his and Sarah’s attorney.

 

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Anthony Kropotkin
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My friends have informed me that Martin Mull has had his attorneys at Conkling, Conklin, Curmudgeon and Conjugal send you a letter requesting that refrain from using the term “Fernwood” due to a potential copyright infringement.