Lawn Watered

Water! Water! Water!
Water! Water! Water!

Nevada City, CAIt’s September 8th, 2015, and the grass is thirsty. Thirsty, thirsty grass. Drought? Sure, but grass is grass and it needs to drink or it dies. So, Chip Day knows exactly what to do. He waters his lawn. Existentialism at its finest.

“I’m not going to make any excuses. I know we’re in an extended 4-year drought, and I realize that the rain this fall in Nevada County has been pitiful. The only rain we’ve had so far was on Halloween night, which was really weird. Why that night? Maybe someone was trying to tell us something. Anyway, the grass in my front yard is looking horrible so I’ve been watering it enough so that I know I won’t have to replace it, once it starts raining in California again.”

Meanwhile, some climate scientists are becoming agitated. Howard Bighathaway, Phd., a Scripps scientist and climatology professor at UCSB since the early 90s, is nonplussed. “How can we continue? People like Mr. Day ignore our science, and they water their lawns. Where’s the accountability?” Meanwhile, civic leaders in Nevada City have no plausible answer to this caustic dichotomy. They appear to be death-locked in a miasma of empty rhetoric and tragic denial. Citizens are reaching out with reactive and bizarre water-mining schemes that border on the insane. Something must be done. But now it appears there’s something in the water, a further complication.

Chip Day of Grass Valley, an ordinary man
Chip Day of Grass Valley, an ordinary man

That’s right, you Nevada County people now have a good excuse when folks outside of the area make comments indicating that your behavior is off-the-charts nutbag f’ing crazy. It’s not your fault, it’s something in the water, and it’s been this way ever since the white man showed up in the mid-1800s and started hosing the dark man. But, whatever. Helping the white man and woman in Nevada County answer for the sins of the fathers and mothers is the road less taken, as Robert Frost would intone.

Kierkegaard wrote of 19th-century Europe, “each age has its own characteristic depravity. Ours is perhaps not pleasure or indulgence or sensuality, but rather a dissolute pantheistic contempt for the individual man.” Darek Parfit will have the last educated word in this article, since Parfit is the Kierkegaard of the 21st Century: “Nietzsche…assumes that, without God’s threats of punishments in a future life, people would not be motivated to act morally. The English moralists had such fears. But as they rightly claimed, we can have other motives for acting morally, some of which do not depend on belief in God.”

Is your lawn turning brown this Summer? Our existentialist editorial board suggests you get that hose out and blast the grass with water until the well runs dry. Anything less than that suggests that something else may have run dry as well.

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