TSA Luggage Disaster Blamed on Mercury Retrograde

Piles of unclaimed luggage at Phoenix's Sky Harbor Airport during Mercury Retrograde.
Piles of unclaimed luggage at Phoenix’s Sky Harbor Airport during Mercury Retrograde.

Phoenix, AZ — After thousands of bags have become lost or misplaced at airports across the country, officials at Phoenix’s Sky Harbor Airport blamed the mishaps on an astrological phenomena called “Mercury Retrograde.” Many airports, such as Chicago O’Hare Airport have experienced waits as long as 4 hours to get through security checkpoints, only to find their luggage missing.

Astrologers like Nevada City, California’s Destiny Halbrathe have some very pointed recommendations about Mercury Retrograde.

“Don’t make any important moves when Mercury is retrograde,” said Ms. Halbrathe in a Gish Gallop telephone interview from her Nevada City panic room. “Nothing will be settled successfully for the future during these periods anyway – you will find it nearly impossible to nail down a plan. During a retrograde period, it is hard to get decisions from others. Even if a decision is made, it will be subject to change, either just after Mercury turns to direct motion or later. Mercury retrograde periods would not be good times to do anything involving communications, such as launch a magazine, website, or an advertising or publicity campaign.”

According the Sky Harbor spokeswoman Bethany Millbright, officials at the busy airport have known about this for months, but had little power to do anything about it.

“All you can do is prepare,” said Ms. Millbright reading from a prepared statement. “We here at Sky Harbor are doing everything we can to help people through this challenging astrological event. We’re also recommending that people do not have any plastic surgery or any other kinds of medical procedures until Mercury has finished moving backwards.”

According to scientists at CalTech University in California, Mercury does not move backwards.



Mercury in Retrograde?

“Mercury does not ‘retrograde’ or move backwards,” according to CalTech astrophysicist Dr. Tral Aldrich. “That’s ridiculous. It’s actually an exercise in Einsteinian relativity because Mercury is so close to the Sun, for the untrained eye who looks up, it appears to be going backwards. But it’s not and there’s no evidence that there’s such a thing as a small planet impacting events here on Earth.”

The Transportation Security Administration or TSA was quick to respond to rumors that they didn’t prepare for Mercury Retrograde.

“The fact of the matter is, we’ve had a significant amount of attrition in the past few months which we are addressing,” TSA Director Peter Neffenger. “The events of the past few days were exacerbated by a software glitch. We are working with our vendor to correct the issue as soon as possible. Also, we have been directed by President Trump to hire as many new qualified agents as quickly.”

According to Ms. Millbright, Sky Harbor officials are recommending that everyone stay at home, lock the doors and practice deep breathing techniques.

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