Man Uses Facebook To Remind Others What July 4th Is About

Jesse Derpwitz at his home in Alabama
Jesse Derpwitz at his home in Alabama

Dothan, AL — Homer Derpwitz is a landscaper in Alabama. He is a veteran of the US Army where he served as a cook for the 4th Infantry Division and every 4th of July he gets increasingly angry that people use it as a long weekend instead of a time of remembrance.

We spoke to Homer at his trailer where he was on his 10th beer and 25th Facebook meme of the day.

“These ‘sumbitches just don’t get it, this isn’t a time for fun, this aint no game,” screamed Homer. “They need to remember all the sacrifices made for this country, not stuff their faces with hot dogs!”

Homer is not alone. Many Facebookers post hastily-made and ill-conceived “memes” to remind us what we should be thinking about on this holiday, people like Jesse’s neighbor Melanie Collins who runs a cosmetology business out of her trailer.

“Many men stood for this country. Mine didn’t the lazy bastard, he is too busy looking at that floozy Donna Whorebitch, or what ever her name is,” said Melanie. “I bet if 4th of July was written on her ass he would remember it!”

When you are enjoying your weekend, don’t forget to post your memes to Facebook to show you care about our service men and women.

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Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.