Grass Valley, CA — In a disturbing and what some are calling an inevitable chain of events, mass hysteria broke out yesterday in western Nevada County when nation-wide Internet service provider (ISP) Comcast had its primary Nevada County fiber optic cabled severed. The incident took place in Yuba County at Beale Air Force base where a Department of Defense (DoD) contractor “accidentally back-hoed” the line.
Insiders close to the incident, who chose to remain anonymous, said it was a deliberate test of the people of Nevada County and that it was ordered by the DoD as part of Comcast’s massive merger with Time Warner Media. Speaking on terms of anonymity, the insider said, “It’s a part of the large experiments the DoD is performing on Nevada County netizens. You know, that PA-10A7 program. And they needed to make sure Comcast was obedient.”
Nevada County Citizens reacted to the outage in a number of ways.
Charles Jones of Nevada City ran outside his Zion Street home after not being able to update his Facebook status. “How am I going to share these great grumpy cat pictures with my friends,” Mr. Jones shouted to passing cars. “I was right in the middle of a ‘which Star Wars character are you?’ questionnaire. I’m Han Solo, by the way.”
“The Internet is like electricity. It’s like air. It’s like electricity and air. Together. Yes. That’s right,” said a mumbling anonymous woman on Mill Street in Grass Valley who refused to be interviewed further.
Not all people resorted to shouting at cars or mumbling.
Sixteen-year-old Justina Baker of Penn Valley penned some furious writing in her Feelings Journal about the loss of Internet service. She shared one of her entries with Gish Gallop:
Dark is the lake of purple anger
Dark is the purple sea of my despair
I hate my parents
But I hate Comcast more
Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your perspective, the experiment accomplished exactly what DoD officials had hoped for and confirmed for insiders the PA-10A7 program will proceed.
Comcast officials denied collusion with the Department of Defense and said the outage had nothing to do with their proposed merger with Time Warner Media.