Chattanooga, TN — Following a horrific and coordinated mass-shooting and group suicide bombing that killed 51 people and injured 115 others at a Tennessee mall last year, the police and FBI are working in earnest to discern if the perpetrators were terrorists or not.
Ed Bungold, FBI special agent in charge of the investigation’s press team, told Gish Gallop that they “have not determined whether it was an act of terrorism or if it was a criminal act. We are looking at every possible avenue, whether it was terrorism – if it was domestic or international – or whether it was just a simple, criminal act.”
“See, there are certain problems with this critical investigation,” continued Bungold, “we can all assume that because there were suicide bombings in this horrific incident that it must have been terrorism, but remember that there was some good old American-style shooting involved, as well.”
“What we don’t have, frankly, is enough of any of the perpetrators’ bodies left to determine what race any of them are or were. We will have to run DNA tests to determine if any of them were Middle Eastern…uh…fellows.” Grimacing briefly at his teleprompter guy, Bungold clarifies, “in reality, we have to remain open to the possibility that this horrific incident – and our hearts go out to the victims and their families – that this horrific incident was just a dumb little crime carried out by a few good-old-boys, some dumb kids…our kids, even.”
Gish Gallop, reaching out for a different perspective, contacted Sheriff Burlon Hixter of Chattanooga by phone.
“Sheriff, what is your take on this horrific…er…I guess ‘terrorist attack’ would be poor phrasing…um…what is your take on the mass-killing last month?”
The one that happened there. In the mall. In Tennessee last week.
“Ah, yeah, buddy. That one sucked. You know, we still don’t know what color them guys was,” articulates the Sheriff, “until we know what race they was, we don’t know if they was terrorists or not.”
“See, the problem is”, drawled Huxter, “if they wasn’t terrorists, and they was just plain-old white folks, they’d just be criminals. We wouldn’t get the Homeland Security money that’s available to areas struck by terrorism.”
Would it be a good thing if they were terrorists?
“Oh, God yes! Sure a bunch of white kids could have carried out this attack, a far-right extremist group, say, but that would just be a crime. No, I’m hoping that our city was attacked by terrorists so we can get some of those Federal dollars,” tangoed Hixster, “I’m certainly sad for all those folks’ deaths and injuries, and stuff, and I pray for them and their Mommas.” [author’s note: the Sheriff personally asked that we capitalize ‘Mommas’]
As of this report, the FBI has revealed in a statement that “the perpetrators of this violent and disgusting shooting/bombing at a Tennessee mall yesterday were, in fact, members of a Neo-Nazi, anti-tax group that had been known to make violent threats in all sorts of online forums.”
“That would only qualify them as having been right-wing extremists, and therefore, simply criminals. All the goopy remains of the perpetrators were found and tested. There was a total of 7 conspirators in this plot. Three bombers and four shooters. Really good, practiced shooters. Real Americans. The bombers weren’t so successful, as they only killed themselves and the 4 gunmen. But, alas, even the suicide bombers were white.”
“We have found letters from several of the perpetrators, written on the day of the incident, one of them stating that, among other things, they “want to teach America a lesson! Show them what patriots can do!”
“The fact that they are right-leaning politically, and white and patriotic to boot, the FBI and Department of Justice have concluded that this heinous, politically motivated attack was not terrorism, but just a handful of wayward, politically-aggressive good old boys just blowing off some steam.”
Drawled Sheriff Hixster, “Hey, we was all young, dumb kids at one point, wasn’t you? I don’t think these boys oughtta be treated like terrorists. No. They was just being young, dumb, anti-government Patriots. They was just good old boys, never meanin’ no harm.”