Colorado Springs, CO — A man walked onto “Collie J” campus this morning and began what survivors are calling, “a stabbing spree!” The alleged perpetrator is said not to have been a student at the junior college, and his motives for this vicious attack are unclear at this time.
The knifeman’s entry into the commons (or crowded areas where the students waste a shit-load of time) was aided by some idiot in the Kung Fu 207 class. “I left the door cracked a little to let the room breathe some…it stank in there,” said the sole survivor from the karate class. “Yeah, everyone else in my class died, even the good guys with the swords. I thought maybe there were some ‘friendly-stabbing’ accidents, but no, that crazy asshole jacked everybody up before they even knew what was happening. It sucked. A stabbing spree! But we needed the air, you know. It stank. That’s why the door was propped open.”
We prompted him to tell us more about the incident.
“Oh, I ran like a pussy, I did. But when I looked back to see him run around and stab each person in the class I think there were like 70 of us in there today to see that, I had to kind of stay and watch. He was stabbing guys fifty, maybe sixty feet away from him. Guys tried to move in to stop him, but they didn’t have a chance. That guy was spraying knife stabs like they were, I don’t know, droplets out of a lawn sprinkler…or something. Anyway, I saw them all go down, all my friends, my sensei…only I survived. I thought regulating guns a little bit would maybe prevent this sort of thing. But I guess not. It’s not the guns. It’s the people do this crap.”
Did you see anything else?
“I saw him open the door and run into the metal shop and heard screaming and stuff. I thought for sure those guys took him down. Come to find out, he took out like 41 people in that class, not one survivor, so I do feel pretty lucky, yeah.”
Witnesses inside the commons reported they heard rivet guns, screaming, metal banging on metal, Freddy Krueger claws-on-metal-sounding noises, and laughing. The laughing seemed to be coming from the mass-stabber.
“He busted out that door, the metal shop door,” says Shannon Eire, a wounded survivor of the incident, resting in the ICU at the local hospital. “All I could see through the door was a lot of carnage. And, he [the alleged knifeman] was laughing this peculiar boyish laugh. Would have sounded kinda cute…except for the circumstances. He jumped out into the commons looking kind of like Justin Bieber but covered in a lot of blood. He immediately began spraying the crowd with stabbings from that pretty knife he had.”
According to authorities, the only weapon the knifeman had used during the entire 45-minute ordeal was a beautiful 13th century Damascus steel “Lung Striker,” a hand-forged assassin’s weapon, prized for its man-stopping power.
“It was pretty beautiful to look at. I wish I had more time to see it,” said Tom Teapurdy, an armed security guard for the college, “I liked how it looked when the blood filled in the grooves of the blade, but truth be told, I had to get my ass out of there. That 6″ blade was causing some serious pandemonium. Nobody could tell from which direction the stabs were coming from. I got the fuck out of there. In hindsight, I’m pretty sure it was the Feast of Balthazar etched in the guy’s blade.”
Witnesses report that there were screams everywhere. People were slipping on blood, trying to get away from the blade man. He was able to move swiftly through the school, taking out almost anyone in his path. 307 people at the college did not survive the mass-stabbing. Many of those who did survive suffered horrific injuries. As many as 117 people, students, and faculty alike, were injured in the assault. Only after he stabbed and killed 4 SWAT team members was the assailant finally brought down by a swift kick to the balls.
The alleged knifeman has been identified as 23-year-old Chris Pineman. Mr. Pineman appears to live in a town about 60 miles east of Fountain, CO. He was denied bail Tuesday morning, even though his knife, the one used in the mass-knifing, may be worth up to $120,000. This exceptionally well-made knife has the capacity to take out 100 enemies a minute at 20 yards.
Gish Gallop extends its prayers to the 307 souls who tragically lost their lives at knife-point in the attack and the many recovering survivors.