Middle Manager to Find Out Who’s Snoring on Conference Calls

Pajas Balasubramanian has a plan to find out who is snoring on company calls.
Pajas Balasubramanian has a plan to find out who is snoring on company calls.

Grass Valley, CA — Area middle manager Pajas Balasubramanian has been tasked with the thankless job of finding out who keeps snoring on company conference calls. Mr. Balasubramanian, a naturalized American citizen from New Delhi, India, is currently the Manager of Education Experience for local firm Video Axcell.

“I feel it my job to get to the bottom of this,” said a proud Mr. Balasubramanian in a Gish Gallop telephone interview. “We have over 300 hundred remote employees all over the world and these conference calls are the best way to reach what we call ‘Axcellers.’ And having someone snore through an entire 90 minute call is not productive.”

According to Mr. Balasubramanian, call leaders often mute participants lines to prevent such disruptions. However, company executives prefer “an interactive” experience and frequently un-mute the lines to allow for questions and comments.

“Oh I cringe each time they un-mute the calls,” continued Mr. Balasubramanian, “because I just know that snorer is going to be snoring away. Just yesterday we were doing our quarterly call about our upcoming product release, a new 8K production video camera, and as soon as the boss un-muted the lines, snoring. It was both embarrassing and challenging to try to get questions in between this person’s snores. But no worries, I will find out who it is.”

Not all Axcellers are concerned about the snoring.

“I love the snoring,” said Banner Mountain contractor David L. Cook from his home office. “These calls can be very long and sometimes unnecessary. I know I’m not the only who waits for the mute to be turned off to see if “the snorer” is on. In the past 2 years, this guy has never disappointed.”

It’s unclear at the time of this writing how Mr. Balasubramanian plans on figuring out who is snoring on ever call given the number of participants on each call, many in Asian countries.

“I am methodical about these things,” said a confident Mr. Balasubramanian. “I plan on forming a committee to discuss this. We’ll deliberate for a few months on it, and then I will capture the ideas in a spreadsheet which will be distributed for further review. I should have a solution by this time next year.”

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