Rear of Starbucks, Inglewood, CA – Once a renowned activist, producer, and social media maverick, Mike Murphy’s life has, in recent months, taken what some might consider to be an unconventional turn for the worst. Following the success of What in the World are They Spraying?, and other such meteorological-themed titles, Murphy unimaginably has found himself homeless and living on the streets. Although that sounds positively harrowing for the man once deemed to be the savior of the chemtrails movement, there is a silver lining. Mike Murphy is, by some accounts, the reincarnation of Jesus Christ.
Barry Johnson, head of Inglewood’s Church of Scientology and Master of the Dianetic Dark Arts, declared the revelation to be, “Balderdash and baloney” before slamming the church door in the face of our reporter, and yelling, “the Thetans have you now!”
Others in the area, most notably “The Dumpster Guy Formerly Known as Geoff,” have waded in with compelling counter-arguments claiming to have witnessed Murphy performing miracles. During an interview, TDGFKaG stated that no matter how many bicycles or cell phones Murphy has had stolen, he always reappears with new ones.
“It’s like he pulls them out of thin air, man. If that ain’t magic, then I don’t know what is,” he declared, before demanding a burrito in exchange for further information.
According to sources, Murphy holds enormous stakes in a large majority of global corporations, as well as owning all the land in the United States and Africa. So, how did he end up here, living the life of a failed White House staffer, in Trump-era USA? The answer is simple: the Illuminati.
“Mike was raised by the Illuminati,” says Sandra, a local herbalist. “In the beginning, he wasn’t aware of his divinity because his Satan-worshipping family did everything in their power to conceal the truth. When he finally discovered that he was Jesus his relatives and their army of lawyers seized everything he owned, leaving him penniless.”
Although we failed to locate Murphy, we did manage to contact one of his former friends.
Between filming the sky on her cell phone, yelling at clouds, roadside workers, and anyone adorned in NASA branded attire, she commented, “me and ‘Murph were close, yeah, but this Jesus cr*p is bullsh*t. I have tons more Facebook followers. He might be Jesus, but I’m the queen of the universe, you shill!”
Unfortunately, both his best friend, Barack Obama, and long-term love interest, Mariah Carey were unavailable for comment.