Holladay, UT — The Deseret News reported today that Mitt Romney has entered the race for the White House one more time.
“It was bound to happen,” said Matt Rhoades, Mr. Romney’s campaign manager. “What with the circus-like atmosphere swirling around the GOP race to the nomination. We have been polling people around the nation for months, trying to get a feel for the wants and needs of Joe Q. Public. This seemed like the best opportunity we could hope for to finally win the White House.”
When asked why the Romney camp felt like this was their best opportunity to win, Mr. Rhoades laid out a long laundry list of reasons.
“First of all, have you seen the ignoramuses running for the GOP nomination? There is not one candidate who is presidential, let alone qualified. Mittens, as those of us close to Mr. Romney call him, is head and shoulders above them all. Secondly, with Ms. Clinton’s looming indictment, she’s more likely to be holding court on death row than the oval office. There is not going to be much of a chance for Bernie to swoop in and pull of an upset like that Kenyan guy did…twice. Next, you have to figure that the American people, after having had their first black president, are ready for their first president who wears magic underwear. Mittens is a known quantity, he is born on American soil, and he is ready to return America, both to greatness, and to the Lord.”
When asked if “Mittens” had been working on his stage presence and personal affability, Mr. Rhoades told Gish Gallop, “Mr. Romney has watched fellow billionaire, Donald Trump very closely. The days of the ‘stuffy stiffy’ are ancient history. Mr. Romney has transformed himself into a dynamo. Someone every man can relate to. He will bully those in his way and still be a guy you can sit down and have a root beer with. He is also ready to put the smack down on all the liberals and their socialist agendas.”
When asked why they have waited so long to make their candidacy public, Mr. Rhoades replied, “We are sick to death of losing. Then, two weeks ago we were visiting with the prophet in the Salt Lake temple and he told us that the Lord had visited him and told him that it was ordained that Mittens should be the next American President. You just don’t argue with God!”