Montana Man Becomes First to Win Staring Contest with Taxidermied Deer

The deer who lost the staring contest located notary Gerald Duluth's office in Columbia Falls, MT.
The deer who lost the staring contest located notary Gerald Duluth’s office in Columbia Falls, MT.

Columbia Falls, MT — A Montana man became the nation’s first person to successfully stare down a taxidermied deer. Roger McKean of Columbia Falls, Montana was visiting a local notary to have an unnecessary permit notarized to keep Obama from taking his guns from his Dodge RAM 3500.

“Yeah, it was rough at first,” said an exhausted but inappropriately proud Mr. McKean. “I walked into that place to keep Obama from taking my guns, and walked out the world’s only taxidermy staring champion. Although I need to stay vigilant about giving up my rights.”

According to Gerald Duluth, Mr. McKean’s notary located on Highway 2 just past 10 Commandments Park, Mr. KcKean came to him with a strange request.

“Yeah, that was a bit weird,” said a reserved Mr. Duluth in a Gish Gallop telephone interview. “He came in wanting these hand written documents notarized in case the government took over Columbia Falls. The handwriting was nearly illegible and it seemed to be one run-on sentence mentioning the 2nd Amendment and how our nation is ruled by a Muslim. Needless to say I couldn’t notarize it. He was cordial, that is, until he say my deer bust on the wall.”

Ten Commandments "Park" circle located in Columbia Falls, MT.
Ten Commandments “Park” located in Columbia Falls, MT.

What happened next, according to Mr. Duluth, would take 3 hours to complete. Apparently Mr. McKean walked up to the whitetail deer bust and just started staring into its dark marbly eyes.

“I asked him if I could help him,” continued Mr. Duluth, “but he said ‘I have to to this for Benny’ and said he’d just be a few moments. Well that few moments stretched into over 3 hours. I have no idea who Benny is, nor do I want to know.”

At first, Mr. Duluth considered calling the Sheriff or the State Police, but he figured Mr. KcKean wasn’t doing any harm, so he just left him to stare.

“It was 1pm, and we didn’t close until 5,” said Mr. Duluth. “And after an hour or so, I asked him if he’d like a pop. He said, ‘no thank you. I’m trying to break the record.’ So I just left him to stare.”

Unbeknownst to Mr. Duluth, Mr. KcKean was attempting to break the world’s record for staring at a taxidermed animal. Ironically, the old record was a mere 20 minutes, which Mr. KcKean seemed unware of.

“It wasn’t until later that I knew I broke the record by almost 2 hours and 40 minutes,” said a proud Mr. McKean. “That will be a hard one to break. But not as hard as the government breaking their oath to protect my 2nd Amendment rights.”

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