Brussels, Belgium — In what some are calling an international bombshell, the United Press International (UPI) announced that the European crime unit INTERPOL has confirmed that there is an open investigation of Mormon missionary Mason Wells and his involvement in the Boston, Paris, and Brussels bombings. INTERPOL Chief Inspector Marcel Douseau is leading the investigation into how the Mormon missionary came to be within feet of the three bombings, according to public liaison Clara O’Hurle.
“To quote an old quote, ‘Once is an accident. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is an Islamic jihadist.’ I am convinced, by the evidence, as well as the mathematical probability, that Mr. Wells is serving ISIS,” Inspector Douseau told Gish Gallop in a Skype interview.
“Well, first of all, you have to recognize that it would be, at the very least, improbable, if not impossible, for some random teen to be at each crime scene and not be somehow involved,” said Inspector Douseau after pressed to the extent of the evidence against Mr. Wells. “Secondly, when I asked Mr. Wells who his handler was, he pretended not to know what I was talking about. When I pressed him on whose orders he follows, he said, and I quote, ‘The Prophet’. It was evident that he was speaking of the prophet Muhammad,” continued the Inspector as his tone turned serious.
“At this point in the interrogation, I asked him if the Mormon church was a clandestine arm of Islamic jihad and ISIS. Mr. Wells stated that he didn’t believe so, that he believed they were Christians, but that he was pretty high on pain medication and couldn’t be sure,” continued inspector Douseau. “I then asked him why, if he wasn’t involved in the attack, was he covered in bomb residue. Mr. Wells wasn’t clear in his answer. Probably the biggest blow to his alibi was when I asked to see his hands. Everyone in the intelligence community knows that Islamic jihadists have very small hands. Small indeed. Conveniently for him, his hands were heavily bandaged at the time.”
Gish Gallop questioned the validity of his evidence, which seemed a bit foolish, at best.
“Nonsense!” Inspector Douseau exclaimed. “Do you silly Americans not understand that not even your precious Matlock could win this case and save Mr. Wells from the noose? I have arrested Mr. Wells in the name of the law and we will be moving him to a maximum security prison, just up river from a leper colony, in French Guyana as soon as he is well enough to travel.”
At the time of this writing, INTERPOL declined further comment on the matter. Follow up calls to Inspector Douseau were not returned. UPI liaison Clara O’Hurle forwarded our requests to Centra voor Algemeen Welzijn (CAW) in Brussels.
You can download the entire INTERPOL interrogation here: