Salt Lake City, UT — As the 2016 election approaches, this morning’s press conference at Temple Square in Salt Lake City has left many in fear and most shaking their heads.
“As most of you know,” began Dieter Uchtdorf, a Mormon general authority “there is a great deal of turmoil in the world today. We have wars and rumors of wars. We can’t tell the men from the women. These are the signs that we are truly in the latter days. However, we shall fear not because we are the Latter Day Saints. We have been preparing for these times for over 100 years.”
Flanked by the rest of the Mormon leadership, the president of the church, Thomas Monson addressed the crowd in a somber tone.
“I received a revelation from the Lord during yesterday’s temple session. As a great deal of the membership is already aware, prophecy of the latter days is currently being fulfilled at a rapid pace. Just look around and you will see the horrors growing in the world. There is a great push around the world to overthrow the truth in Christ and unleash the beast, the Anti-Christ.”
Mr. Monson paused and appeared to be checking with his fellows for approval before he continued.
“After spending several hours in revelation, it is clear that the Lord has revealed the Anti-Christ to me in an effort to help prepare the Latter Day Saints for the onslaught of evil that will be waged shortly.”
There were audible gasps, slacked jaws, and a few reporters giggled.
“The Lord has admonished me to tell the world that Hillary Clinton is the Anti-Christ. She is the Beast. As we know from the book of Revelations, there is no way to stop the Beast, save the return of Christ. She will take over this world as she pushes for a global new world order, but we must resist taking her mark. I admonish the saints to stay calm and band together as brothers and sisters in Christ. From this day forward, all Latter Day Saints must begin to employ the secret handshakes, that they may be able to tell their brothers from the evil gentiles. We will have continuous updates until the rapture,” finished Monson.
No one was made available to answer press questions. Donald Trump tweeted that he plans to throw holy water on “that old beast” at the first presidential debate.