Grass Valley, CA — Treasurer of the Nevada County Citizens’ Committee on Benghazi and quantum physicist Gregory Whitaker announced a startling scientific breakthrough at a press conference outside his laboratory in Grass Valley early today.
“The multiverse exists,” Whitaker said, “what we perceive as the universe is just one reality among an infinite number of parallel universes in which everything that can possibly happen has happened.”
The discovery has rocked the scientific community and will dramatically alter the course of humanity. Whitaker’s breakthrough is already being called the single most important achievement in history.
Despite such profound acclaim Whitaker seemed dispirited during his announcement, pausing several times to pour contents from a small flask into his coffee mug.
“I have also discovered a way to enter these realities and have seen them myself,” Whitaker added as he appeared to be holding back tears, “and it’s all Obama.”
Whitaker’s discovery and god-like ability to experience infinite realities came after years of diligent research. Since 2008 Whitaker has conducted experiments testing the effects of various energy patterns on atoms cooled to the lowest temperature allowed by quantum mechanics. Whitaker believed that a state of quantum motion could be achieved that would create a portal into other worlds.
“I needed to escape the tyranny of Obama and the doomsday his leadership will bring,” Whitaker explained.
Whitaker experimented with different types of energy over the years, including cosmic microwave radiation, with no results. Then, in a moment of frustration, he attached a nearby dildo to the cooled atoms. To his surprise he saw an immediate result: a small portal spanning one millimeter wide opened for a microsecond. When he adjusted the dildo vibration pattern to “pulsate”, Whitaker opened the large and stable portal that changed history.
“I’m not here to answer questions about the device,” Whitaker said.
When Whitaker first stepped into the portal, a fluorescent blue oval about nine feet high and three feet across, he was instantly connected to an expansive consciousness that enabled him to simultaneously view the infinite dimensions parallel to our own. He then discovered he was able to enter any reality simply by focusing his attention, and return to ours without any measurable time having passed.
“None of it matters” Whitaker insisted, “In one reality Obama is the Supreme Leader of North Korea but he transforms that nation into a peaceful economic power, and then somehow inspires the American people to pass strict gun control laws.”
During the announcement Whitaker received a congratulatory phone call from famed theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking, a long time supporter of the idea that we could be living in a multiverse. The phone call ended abruptly after Whitaker asked Hawking for his thoughts on chemtrails and promised to send videos that prove their existence.