Murderous, Screaming Rampage Results in Missing Spider

Artist's rendition of Nathan Johnson's spider
Artist’s rendition of Nathan Johnson’s spider

Grass Valley, CA — Police responded to a home on the 12000 block of Squirrel Creek Rd. on Sunday night upon receiving reports of a woman’s screaming and a man yelling, “Die, bitch! I am gonna [deleted] kill you!” Officers were advised to proceed with caution.

“When we first showed up at the scene, we heard a lot of banging around and what sounded like somebody vomiting,” Deputy Kelvin Busch of the Grass Valley Police told Gish Gallop. “I had my weapon at the ready and peeked around the, uh, the door frame there. That’s when I saw what looked like bloody footprints all over the floor.”

The resident of the home, Nathan Johnson, says he was trying, and failing, to kill a large spider. His attempts to smash it on the table with a rolled up copy of Gish Gallop only succeeded in knocking the rather large spider to the floor. That’s when Mr. Johnson grabbed his plate of spaghetti and attempted to smash it down on the spider as it was skittering across the floor toward his bare feet.

 

Other spiders said to be in Mr. Johnson's house.
Other spiders said to be in Mr. Johnson’s house.

The GVPD asked him who was yelling “I’m gonna kill you!” Mr. Johnson admitted that he may have been yelling that as he went ballistic on the spider. When deputies asked about the woman screaming, Mr. Johnson told them that it was probably his wife doing all that girlish screaming.

A search of the home revealed no wife, one very dead spider, a smashed plate of spaghetti and a vomiting Nathan Johnson. Between bouts of vomiting, Mr. Johnson admitted to Gish Gallop that he does sometimes scream like a little girl when he sees a spider and that he gets physically ill when he kills one. Especially one as large as his hand. Deputies informed neighbors that the situation was under control and to mind their own business.

Upon examining the marinated spider corpse amidst the wreckage of Mr. Johnson’s dinner, we here at Gish Gallop have to admit that no matter how you feel about spiders, this one was ugly. An even larger and uglier spider was seen fleeing the scene with a clove of garlic and an oversized zucchini in its mandible.

As of this time the fleeing spider has not been found. No charges have been filed.

 

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of