“My Sexbot Cut Off My Penis,” Claims Area Man

Dustin Jayce Dickens of Penn Valley, CA seen in at an area hospital with his sexbot "Evelyn."
Dustin Jayce Dickens of Penn Valley, CA at an area hospital with his sexbot “Evelyn.”

Penn Valley, CA — An area man is recovering in Sierra Nevada Memorial hospital after his “sexbot” malfunctioned and cut off his penis. Dustin Jayce Dickens of Penn Valley, CA purchased the life-sized sex toy last month after Amazon.com became the first retailer to offer the robotic sex dolls.

“It was just terrible,” said Mr. Dickens speaking from his hospital bed earlier this week. “Everything was just fine with Evelyn for the first few weeks, then she notified me that she needed a system update. So I plugged her into my laptop and everything seemed pleasing. Well, it wasn’t.”

According to the police report, later that evening after the Dustin had gone to sleep, his sexbot attacked him with an emery board she kept at ‘her’ side of the bed. She pinned him down and in a terrifying melee, she severed his penis. The police blame Russian malware contained in the update for the act.

“I went to sleep and then I woke up about 2 am and she had me pinned down on the bed,” continued 5 foot 6 inch Mr. Dickens speaking of his 5 foot 11-inch sexbot. “Then she started speaking in Russian or something. I had no idea what she was saying, but then she cut my dick off.”

After the dismemberment,  Evelyn laid back down beside the pain-riddled victim and simply went back to sleep. Mr. Dickens immediately called 911 and first responders were able to stop the bleeding and then rush him to the emergency room where medical personnel re-attached his severed member.

However, most surprisingly, Mr. Dickens has no desire to get rid of what he calls “his perfect girlfriend.”

“No way man,” said a defiant Mr. Dickens. “I’m not giving up on Evelyn. Over a software glitch? Come on. Everyone deserves a second chance. And besides, it’s probably my fault anyway for loading the ‘freaky mod’ from that website. I was warned against that, but Igor on the Radical Sexbot Mod Facebook Group told me I should do it like he did. Apparently, it was a joke or something.”

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Micheal Rampley
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Micheal Rampley

An emery board?

Micheal Rampley
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Micheal Rampley

An emery board?

TheDirtmover
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TheDirtmover

Likely excuse. Blame the Russians. Didn’t top her off with Russian dressing? (sure.. when they are made in Japan)
That’s what happens when you don’t follow the “owners manual”. Didn’t read the fine print about what batteries that high maintenance feminine hardware “prefers”? Duracell? or
those pricey lithium ion jobs from Tesla? Too cheap to find a real gal,, and goes cheap on his mail order piece of a**. Stupid should hurt.

TheDirtmover
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TheDirtmover

Likely excuse. Blame the Russians. Didn’t top her off with Russian dressing? (sure.. when they are made in Japan)
That’s what happens when you don’t follow the “owners manual”. Didn’t read the fine print about what batteries that high maintenance feminine hardware “prefers”? Duracell? or
those pricey lithium ion jobs from Tesla? Too cheap to find a real gal,, and goes cheap on his mail order piece of a**. Stupid should hurt.