Pasadena, CA — In what some are calling an accidental and shocking admission, NASA scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) in Pasadena have confirmed that a research satellite has crashed into the underside of the Earth. The late Friday night press release, which JPL apparently wanted to be buried in the slow weekend news cycle, made indirect references to the Earth being flat.
JPL Spokeswoman Kelley Johnston, Ph.D. claims in the memo she authored that satellite P-154-H had gone off course following two days of intense solar flare activity.
“P-154-H or as we like to call it, ‘the little bugger,’ started showing signs of stress from the aggressive solar ejections earlier in the week,” said Ms. Johnson in her memo. “We thought we had the satellite under control after wrestling with its neutron boosters and telemetry for over the past two days. But sadly its directional control system was too damaged and it basically committed suicide on the underside of the Earth and its turtle.”
That last comment has triggered much discussion across the Internet, creating strange bedfellows between two groups that are normally at odds with one another: Flat Earth believers and scientists. People who believe that the Earth is flat have taken to Facebook over the past few years to form discussion groups which have to define confirmation bias in a way that no dictionary has been able to.
“If gravity is real why don’ts [sic] grapes revovle [sic] around appls[sic] in a fruit bowl?” Questioned one grammatically-challenged “flat Earther” seemingly ignoring NASA’s admission that the Earth is flat. “Why if I let go a the pencl[sic] in my hand, does the pencel[sic] fall and not rotate around the curviture[sic] of “spacetime” my mass has created? The publics(sic) exceptance[sic] of scientific dolmatas[sic spell check dogmas] at the expense of real knowledge had and always will be a manipulation of mass-consciuossness[sic] at the hands of the global elite. NASA has done nothing hear[here].”
Most flat Earthers believe the “globe conspiracy” is deeply rooted in fundamentalist Christian teachings and obscure and highly equivocal passages from the Bible. However, all believers are unanimously convinced that NASA is behind a massive cover-up to hide the flat Earth. That is, until today.
“It’s hard to know what NASA is up to here,” said Stephanie Milstrom of the Flat Earth Society speaking over the phone following the memo’s release. “It might be just another disinformation campaign by the elite to corrupt God’s Word. Like they’ve done for 2000 years and Satan has used NASA since 1964. Wasn’t it Jesus in Matthew 23:4 who tells us that the world is flat? And we all know director Stanley Kubrick worked with NASA to fool the world into thinking we went to the Moon. Eventually, the people will wake up. Maybe this is a start of Jesus’ return?”
NASA has not returned calls nor requests for comment.