Nation Shocked at Ted Cruz Mistress Accusations

Ted Cruz is under fire for marriage infidelity.
Ted Cruz is under fire for marriage infidelity.

Albany, NY — Recent rumors of Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz’s infidelity have sparked shock and confusion among voters across the political spectrum.

“I can’t believe it,” said Perry Piper, a self-described Bernie Sanders “Berner.” “I mean with all that anti-gay rhetoric who would have guessed he liked women?”

The same sentiment was expressed repeatedly by Cruz supporters.

“No one saw this coming,” said one Cruz supporter, speaking on the condition of anonymity, “I figured that some day he’d get caught getting corn-holed by a trucker in a men’s room outside Fresno or something, but this … I don’t even know how to react.” He tilted his head, looking confused before asking, “Women you say? You sure they were women?”

Ohio Governor and presidential rival John Kasich refused to believe the tabloids, calling it “typical ugly politics.”

“Anyone paying even a little attention to the Evangelical movement in America knows the harshest anti-gay hate speech comes from men who love men. And, you know, very few people are willing to take it harder than Ted Cruz. The stance I mean. Not … whatever. Look this just isn’t true. I’m not going to talk about ‘Lyin Ted. Not going to go there.”

The Cruz campaign has remained mostly silent, issuing a terse statement stating that Cruz would be willing to swear on a Bible that he, “has never had improper relations with a woman.”

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