According to a recent Pew Poll, America’s mediocre thinkers are increasingly frustrated by what they see as a widespread dismissal of their opinions by their fellow citizens with above-average intelligence. Exacerbating their irritation is a seeming inability to communicate coherently.
“all i sed [sic] was any one [sic] that didnt [sic] love america enoug [sic] to hang a flag in front of there [sic] schhol [sic] should leave,” wrote Gavin McNugent, an expatriate now living in Japan after having grown weary of, “stupid liberils [sic] with there [sic] bumper stickers ruining america.” He continued his punctuation-free rant, saying, “if u [sic] love freedom u [sic] should have to hang a flag why wouldnt [sic] you hang a flag if u [sic] love freedom”
At the core of the problem lies the perception that the inability to enunciate thoughts with any clarity or accuracy in the vernacular indicates stupidity. Fox News commentator and self-appointed spokesman for many frustrated muttonheads, Bill O’Reilly, defended America’s morons.
“This is outrageous!” he yelled before being informed of the topic. “These pinheads in academia like to think they’re superior to most Americans because they have a grasp of basic spelling and can link multiple sentences together to form a point. It’s ridiculous, and I won’t stand for it any more.”
Pew spokesperson Sarah Gu defended the study, adding that it took significantly more effort than most. “Most surveys take under 15 minutes of casual banter,” she said. “But because we deliberately sought out the barely coherent, each interview took upwards of an hour as we were pelted with rant after rant on subjects ranging from Obama’s Black Panther army to the flat tax. After several days of this we started just agreeing with whatever they were rambling about so they’d shut up and we could move on. If we challenged any of their assertions in any way we risked them calling us a ‘libtard’ and hanging up.”
Linguistics pioneer Noam Chomsky voiced his concern over the findings.
“There seems to be a direct correlation between how nonsensical someone’s point of view is and how angry they become when someone doesn’t agree with them.”
On the optimistic side, many of the nation’s jibbering idiots reported satisfaction with Fox News’ deep understanding of their anxiety.