Native Americans Call for Moratorium on Victorian Christmas

Victorian carolers will have to adjust their songs to more Native American Themes
Victorian carolers will have to adjust their songs to more Native American Themes

Nevada City, CA — Native Americans are on the warpath against Victorian Christmas in what they claim is yet another threat against their status as “the original locals”. This beloved annual event in Nevada City attracts thousands of residents and visitors who enjoy shopping for locally made gifts. What it means to be “local” is the question.

The local chapter of the Sierra Club brought up the issue to the Native Americans as part of a campaign to eliminate all non-native species and people from the Sierras. “These aliens just don’t belong here”, insisted Sierra Club spokesperson Bill Schlesinger, who moved to Grass Valley from Baltimore, Maryland.

“Local peoples around the world are succumbing to the corporate takeover,” Schlesinger ranted. “We need to return to the days of yore, when locals ruled their local communities, worshiped their local deities, ate their local foods, and made their local crafts. Victorian Christmas is like an invasive thing, changing the fabric of local identity that has been oppressed.”

Taken especially to task was the beverage mulled wine, which contains spices not from the local environment, including cloves and cinnamon. “Acorn tea is delicious and nutritious, and the true local beverage”, Schlesinger insisted.

Local activists also insist that Santa and his elves be “red-skinned.”

“It’s an insult to local culture that Santa is white. In actuality, any white guy flying around with reindeer around Grass Valley is an alien and should be taken back to wherever he came from. And he better pick up after his reindeer so they don’t spread invasive seeds in their excrement,” Schlesinger added.

Protests were scheduled for Wednesday, December 10th, but were canceled when Schlesinger decided to fly to San Diego for the week to avoid the big storm.

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