Gish Gallop Presents: How to Vote

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Nevada County, California — Time to vote. Just do it. Here is your Gish Gallop Guide, provided at No Charge. Enjoy.

NEVADA COUNTY SCOOPER SPECIAL VOTER TEAR OUT:

This is How You Should Vote on November 4th, 2014 (Click and Print)

No Exceptions

What a mess. Voting is hard in the 21st century, bring your waders people.

And thus, this is how it has always been. Increasingly, eligible citizens stop registering to vote or they let their registrations lapse. Or even if they are registered, they simply don’t show up. Gish Gallop encourages this behavior. If you are too lazy or disinterested to vote, then please don’t do it. And hey guess what all you millennials out there who don’t vote just to prove something, all you are proving (at least for now, until your never-happening ideal of total anarchy finally prevails sometime like when our sun begins to run out of fuel in a billion years or so) is that your parents and your grandparents, who are complete idiots, get to continue to decide everything for you.

If you do vote, then follow these simple tear out guidelines. If you are a partisan Republican, vote your ticket. If you are a partisan Democrat, vote your ticket. If you are an Independent-thinking person—which leaves our working democracy with a fairly small voting block—vote with your heart and your brain. Lead by example. God bless.

I. STATE ELECTIONS

i. Governor: Jerry’s done an OK job. Better than RoboGov for sure. Let’s give him another term.

a. DEM Jerry
b. PUB Neel (the guy with the drowning children commercial)
c. IND Jerry (yes, rewarding a C+ grade is tough, but do it anyway)

ii. Lieut. Governor: Gavin is annoying, and has issues with too much hair gel and other things. Time to move on. Plus, having a PUB LG when the Gov. is a DEM is always entertaining. Let the good times roll.

a. DEM Ron Hehring, send Gavin a message
b. PUB Ron
c. IND Ron, because you never liked Gavin anyway

iii. Secretary of State: Stay the course.

a. DEM Alex Padilla
b. PUB Pete Peterson
c. IND Your cousin Jimmy

iv. Controller: Anyone with a calculator can do this job. So, stick with your party. Or just ignore this race altogether.

a. DEM Betty T. Yee
b. PUB Ashley Swearengin, because “Deadwood” was the best TV show ever, in the history of the universe
c. IND Waste Management CEO David P. Steiner

v. Treasurer: Counting Money and Making Investments and Making Reports Stay the course, why not?

a. DEM John Chiang (he’s the incumbent)
b. PUB Greg Conlon (he’s not the incumbent)
c. IND Leave the polling booth, tell your polling place volunteers that you forgot to feed your fish, go to the ol’ Republic and drink several pints of California Common (now called Amber-something), then return to the polling place and vote for your cousin Jimmy once again

vi. Attorney General: Same problem as Gavin NewsomKamala Harris is annoying. Time for a change.

a. DEM Ronald Gold (more gridlock, yay!)
b. PUB Ronald, he’s your guy
c. IND Ronald, because he’s more libertarian than Kamala, plus Kamala has issues with self-righteousness and narcissism

vii. Insurance Commissioner: Stay the course.

a. DEM Dave Jones, he’s the Democratic incumbent
b. PUB Dave Jones because your party chose Ted Gaines, a Tea Party acolyte (but if you’re a Tea Partyer, then by all means vote for the guy with the tri-corner hat)
c. IND Dave Jones, because Ted Gaines allegedly might believe Ebola is transmitted in bus station bathroom stalls

viii. Board of Equalization: If you don’t own and run a business you have no idea what this person does, nor do you care. So, go ahead and skip it. But if you have a business

a. DEM Chris Parker (he’s your party guy)
b. PUB George Runner, the incumbent and so far doing a decent job
c. IND George, stay the course

II. US REPRESENTATIVE

a. DEM Heidi Hall, because she is great and will do a magnificent job (plus, she’s not a partisan hack)
b. PUB Heidi Hall, because Doug LaMalfa is really NOT one of you
c. IND Heidi Hall, because rice is not a good reason

III. STATE ASSEMBLY

a. DEM Brian Dahle, because this will give you the opportunity to say that you are not a partisan Democrat and have the capability to vote across the aisle, which is crap since there is no question that Brian will win and your are just trying to beef up your bipartisan bonafides, admit itBrigham Sawyer Smith is a good and fun alternative, mainly because he is so supportive of IHSS, but he is not electable
b. PUB Brian, duh
c. IND Brian is the best guy for you libertarian types, so there you areyou could vote for Brigham, but he’s just a young man trying to make a statement and has no prior political experience, so the State Assembly is probably not the best jumping off point for him (what was he thinking?!?)

IV. JUDICIAL

So, as you have noticed (maybe), there are 10 Associate Justices asking for your YES or NO on whether they will be taking the bench. Gish Gallop Election Team doesn’t have time to research such a large field so we just vote NO for every one of them, usually. We do this because we are counting on the small number of invested and educated minority of the electorate who actually have the time and passion to research and vet each candidate. If those people vote YES, we can be pretty sure their votes will prevail even if we vote NO. If they don’t like someone, our NO vote will reinforce their expertise. We realize this is a horribly reductive voting strategy, but there you have it.

REGARDING JUDGE OF THE SUPERIOR COURT IN NEVADA COUNTY, ANNA FERGUSON IS GOING UP AGAINST ROBERT TICE-RASKIN THIS ISN’T EVEN CLOSE: TICE-RASKIN HAS ALL THE MEANINGFUL ENDORSEMENTS AND HE WILL BE THE BEST JUDGE. NO BRAINER.

V. SCHOOLS

ix. Superintendent of Public Instruction

a. DEM Tom Torlakson, because he’s the incumbent and he’s got the CTA’s back
b. PUB Marshall Tuck, not a bad alternativea good way to get the CTA to pucker up
c. IND Marshall, just because as an Indy you like to throw stones every now an again

x. Nevada County Board of Education Trustee Area 1

a. DEM Bob Altieri and Larry Meek will serve Area 1 with great skill and aplomb
b. PUB Unless the calendar in your garage still says it’s 1954, and you’re OK with that, it’s time to move on. Bob and Larry are rabid capitalists and have a good handle on the 21st century economygo with the modern, your millennial grandchildren will greatly appreciate it
c. IND Ibiddo not vote for Slade-Troutman!

xi. Nevada County Board of Education Trustee Area 2

a. DEM Michelle Sexton
b. PUB Michelle
c. IND Ibiddo not vote for Jack Meeks!

VI. LOCAL

xii. Director, Nevada County Consolidated Fire District: Linda Chaplin has been watching this district come apart at the seams during the past few years, as a neighbor and friend of the district, and now she wants to help them get back on track. Gish Gallop supports her in this endeavor. Spencer W. Garrett Jr., as a longtime firefighter and community advocate, would also be a good choice.

a. DEM Linda Champlin
b. PUB Spencer Garrett
c. IND Either Spencer or Linda, both will do a good jobthe main task is to reign in Keith Grunenberg

xiii. Grass Valley City Council: What a mess. Seriously, a total f’ing disaster. Two seats, four candidates. We will not review the details of the Terry Lamphier issue here, but he is wounded beyond repair in our opinion. Whether he is guilty or not, he will not be able to be an effective council person until this charge has been resolved, which is going to take a long time. The only valid reason to vote for him is if you believe he has been set up by political operatives, which does not pass the Occam’s Razor test in Gish Gallop’s humble opinion.

a. DEM Jason Fouyer and Jerri Glover (OK sure, go ahead and vote for Jim Firth. But Jim has never addressed his association with indicted corruption czar & gun-runner Leland Yeejust sayin’)
b. PUB Jason and Jerri
c. IND Jason and Jerri

VII. STATE MEASURES

xiv. PROPOSITION 1: Water Bond

a. DEM Ummyes
b. PUB Dams even! Yes
c. IND Does anyone have a better ideano, so please vote YES

xv. PROPOSITION 2: State Budget Rainy Day Fund

a. DEM Yes, duh
b. PUB Vote yes, even though the Dems put it forwardjust because your severe minority party can’t carry the water, there is no reason you can’t take some of the credit
c. IND See above

xvi. PROPOSITION 45: Healthcare Stuff

a. DEM You’re all in, vote yes since you have no choice
b. PUB Vote against on principal, but you will be wrong
c. IND Vote for Uncle Jimmy

xvii. PROPOSITION 46: Testing Doctor for Drugs

a. DEM This is utter madness, doctors prescribe the drugs so they need to test them regularly, WTF?!? Vote NO
b. PUB Kinda silly, since doctors are largely non-partisanif you wear a tri-corner hat then vote yes, otherwise NO
c. IND Testing, seriously? What happened to the Fourth Amendment?

xviii. PROPOSITION 47: Reduce the number of felony sentences

a. DEM No brainer! YES
b. PUB No brainer! YES
c. IND No brainer! YES

xix. PROPOSITION 48: Indian Gaming Here at Gish Gallop we believe that the Indians that are left should pretty much be allowed to do whatever they want regarding gaming, as long as their casino projects meet state and local codes and regulations.

So YES on 48, for all parties and peoples.

VIII. COUNTY MEASURE S

There is really no good way to look at this stupid exercise in electoral mutual masturbation. Both sides should be totally ashamed of themselves. Here at Gish Gallop, we would love to see Patricia Smith and Don Bessee sent on a cruise ship together to Antarctica, never to return. But here are the facts as we know them: the NC BOS passed Ordinance 2349 and the pro-pot people, both MMJ and RMJ, wanted to make some changes. The NC BOS, along with Stasi officer Barney “Keith Royal” Fife, said no. So the pot people gathered an unheard of number of signatures and got Measure S on the ballot. We think this deserves a YES vote, just to acknowledge the unusualness of such an electoral accomplishment. But we still think that there are bare-bottomed spankings that need to be administered early and often to all parties, on both sides, until their stupid and childish behavior finally, and comfortably, comes to an end.

THE SCOOPER ELECTION TEAM

Have a nice day. Have something.

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