New DMV Photo System Promises Faster/More Hideous Pictures

A sample of the less flattering photographs produced by the new DMV system.
A sample of the less flattering photographs produced by the new DMV system.

Sacramento, CA — The California Department of Motor Vehicles announced a new photo identification system that not only promises a faster and more effective photo process, but also guarantees the it will take the most hideous and unflattering picture of you. The $54 million dollar program run by the consulting firm KPMG has been in the works now for almost 10 years and is finally ready for testing in select Northern California cities. If successful, the launch will be expanded to Southern California where people are more sensitive to how they look on photo IDs and driver’s licenses.

“We’re very excited to finally get this long program on the launchpad,” said California State Department of Information Services Ted Blemingthal. “We spent over 6 years carefully planning this new photo system. And our marching orders were rather simple:

  1. Make the process faster
  2. Make applicants look like they’ve just come off a 8 day alcohol bender after eating 17 boxes of Little Debbie Swiss Rolls.”

According to insiders, the project was only over budget by approximately $45 million dollars, which is a real milestone for the struggling state finances.

You're guaranteed to look like a felon using the new DMV photo ID system.
You’re guaranteed to look like a felon using the new DMV photo ID system.

“We were only 300% over our initial budget,” continued Mr. Blemingthal. “But that’s where KPMG came in real handy. They helped us make the case for the overruns. It’s more than just tweaking the balance sheet, it’s about using key words like ‘in-sourcing’ and ‘cloud computing’. They were instrumental in helping us through this 10 year journey.”

Gish Gallop obtained the official documentation which will be sent out to regional DMV offices participating in this new launch. According the instructions, the queue(line) for photos has been modeled after Self-checkout aisles in Safeway supermarkets. Applicants will line up in an indeterminate way, and the photo administrator will simply say ‘next’. The most aggressive, and frankly inconsiderate, applicants will rush to the photo station first.

Trial runs begin in Auburn and Grass Valley Department of Motor Vehicles offices in July.

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