NFL Books King Diamond for Superbowl 52

King Diamond, seen here giving whiny bitches something to cry about.
King Diamond, seen here giving whiny bitches something to cry about.

New York, NY — Responding to outrage over Beyonce’s halftime performance at Superbowl 50, officials at the National Football League (NFL) have stated their intent to host Danish heavy metal artist King Diamond at Superbowl 52.

“The amount of whining over non-existent controversies has become unbearable,” said NFL spokesperson Andy LaRocque. “At this point team owners, players, pretty much everyone associated with the sport is sick of hearing fans bitch. If you little sissies want to cry, we’ll give you something to cry about.”

This year’s manufactured outrage stems from singer Beyonce’s song “Formation,” interpreted by many as a call to political action for African-Americans.

“This is bullshit,” said Jennifer Johnson, a travel agent from Cedar Ridge, CA. “If I can’t put up a Confederate flag at my boy’s school then she shouldn’t be able to sing about black people on my Superbowl.”

As yet there has been no word from Bill O’Reilly, Fox News commentator and noted white whine Sommelier, though onlookers expect his pithy thoughts today as several days of focused outrage manufacturing come to fruition.

Meanwhile, metal-heads across the world have begun speculating about which songs King Diamond will perform. Diamond, unavailable for comment, is known for writing “theme” albums, wherein every song is a continuation of a single story.

“I’d like to hear ‘Emerencia’,” wrote one fan, calling the moment the puppet master’s wife stabbed a homeless man to death, “pivotal.” Another disagreed, citing the haunting poetry of the sentient, decapitated head of a murderous lunatic in “Lucy Forever.”

The controversy has already begun, as Gene Simmons of KISS filed a lawsuit Monday over Diamond’s use of stage makeup.

“I think it’s fair that since I wore makeup on stage first and his sort of looks like mine, he should give me money. A shitload of money. I want money,” said Simmons in a statement.

The NFL’s official response to the Simmons lawsuit was one of amusement. “Since our entire point was to laugh at whiny, entitled bitches, I’d say we’re off to a good start,” laughed LaRocque.

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Jon Reremy, PhD
When Jon was a little bitty baby his mama would rock him in the cradle in the old cotton fields where he's from. Growing up in the deep south, he learned to take a punch, a skill he carries with him to this day and looks to pass on to future generations of Reremies. After the tragic monster truck accident that claimed the life of his latest wife, all pending charges were dropped, leaving Jon to pursue his dream of marrying someone younger, hotter, and dirtier. As his hunt continues, Jon lurks around the local junior college, where he hopes to earn his doctorate by attending several classes a month, that he may one day stop lying about having one. When he's not studying or leching, Jon maintains an active television-viewing schedule. On the rare occasion inspiration strikes, he strikes back.