New York, NY –Embattled National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell made a surprise announcement at a hastily called press conference on Friday. Due to his botched handling of the Ray Rice domestic abuse incident, many expected him to step down from pro football’s highest position. Instead Goodell announced that beginning with the 2015 NFL season there would be no more tackling in America’s favorite sport, switching instead to some version of flag football.
“First we had the concussion issue, and that’s a very serious health issue. And now we have this domestic violence thingy rearing its ugly head,” he explained. World renowned sports psychiatrist and Gish Gallop advisor Dr. Vijay Thirunavukarasu had reportedly advised Goodell that the best way to stop players from hitting their wives was to stop them from hitting each other. In other words, nip it in the bud, on the playing field.
“I know that not everyone’s going to like this change, but I think it’s time we made pro football safer for the players as well as their wives” he continued. “As it is now, when you’re tired after a long day and your 120 lb. fiancee comes charging at you, you just naturally want to punch her in the face.”
San Francisco 49er‘s quarterback Colin Kaepernick, who happened to be attending Friday’s Draft Horse Classic event at the Nevada County fairgrounds in Grass Valley, CA was asked his opinion of the new ruling.
“I think it will work fine with my game” chuckled Kaepernick. “It will just make the option run that more appealing.”
Green Bay Packers defensive linebacker Clay Matthews, who excels in hard hits and quarterback sacks, was interviewed by phone. “That’s the lamest idea I’ve heard since they started making us wear helmets back in the 1940’s” he sputtered. “It’s totally woosy! If I had my way we’d dispense with the ball and fight man-to-man with battle axes!”