New York, NY — According to a leaked memo obtained by the sports gossip website insidersviewsport.club and the Christian-retro site for “the mentally challenged” babylonbees.com, the National Football League floated the idea of using the metric system. The move, which is bound to stir controversy, has been in the works for the past 5 years under the secret project name of ‘Waterboy.”
Currently, the NFL uses the imperial measurement system of inches, feet, and yards. The Waterboy project, according to reports, was started as a “pet” research project by commissioner Roger Goodell at the encouragement of the Obama Administration in 2014. Apparently, Goodell was looking at all kinds of ways to modernize the almost 100-year sports organization.
“Commissioner Goodell was concerned that the NFL was getting too stale and old, and wasn’t positioned well to capture the attention of younger Millennial sports fans,” said the Insiders View Sport Club report. “Goodell was really worried about Soccer taking over.”
US Congress passed the Metric Conversion Act of 1975 in an effort to hasten US conversion to the metric system and yet Americans have aggressively resisted the adoption of the system. From medicine to engineering to mechanics, just about every professional and technical profession uses the metric system. However roads, weather forecasts and sporting events continue to imperial measurement, making the United States one of three countries that still use the antiquated system.
Americans Hate Anything Metric
This stubbornness draws criticism from many academics who claim that Americans are “really stupid.”
“Americans have this strange relationship with feet and gallons,” said University of Chicago’s Dr. James Badwater, Director of James Badwater Institute for Public Policy and Media. “You’ll hear all kinds of excuses on why we can’t convert. Some will say it’s too costly and cultural conservatives think switching will ruin the United States’ legacy, whatever that means. Mostly it’s just that Americans are lazy and frankly not very smart. Not converting is killing our competitiveness.”
In many ways, the commissioner was a visionary, predicting unrest from the National Anthem Controversy in 2016 in unintentional ways.
“Robert [Goodell] was clearly trying to get out in front of the changes that were coming at the NFL from all directions,” said sports historian and NFL memorabilia expert Hester Sisturn of Buffalo, New York. “He could read the tea leaves and he was doing everything he could to steer the NFL into the future. This metric thing made many of his colleagues confused. Several warned him about going forward with Waterboy.”
According to the leaked memo, Waterboy called for a 5-year rollout of the metric system starting with modest changes to parking lot speed limit signs. By year 5, the playing field would be converted to meters. So instead of 100 yards, it would be 100 meters with downs converted to 10-meter lengths. This would increase the length of the football gridiron from 300 feet to over 328.
The plan was well on its way to implementation when Colin Kaepernick decided to kneel during the National Anthem in 2016.
“Goodell raged,” according to one NFL insider. “A lot of people thought he was mad at Kaepernick for disrespecting the flag, but he was angry at him for disrupting the metric system.”
Bernie Sanders is the only 2020 presidential candidate has mentioned converting the United States to the metric. Others feared being labeled “the New Jimmie Carter,” who was the last President to embrace, and fail, meters and liters. Yet, when told about project Waterboy, said it was a positive step in the right direction.
“Look, there is too little discussion in Washington about how we need to join the rest of the world,” said Senator Sanders at a recent stump speech in New York City. “Almost no discussion about how we’re using an antiquated system of measures and numbers. I mean look at the NFL and what they tried to do? My good friend Robert Goodell is doing the right thing. And we need to do the right thing for America.”
When reached for comment, the NFL did not deny that operation Waterboy existed but also took great lengths to deflect media reports.
“Mr. Goodell always has several balls in the air,” said NFL spokesperson Bethany Millbright. “One of our biggest initiatives is getting a younger generation excited about the game. At this time, we have no plans to convert to the metric system, but we like to keep all of our options on the table.”