NRA Announces Final Solution to Child-Involved Shootings

A house filled with firearms, accidents will happen, said LaPierre.

A house filled with firearms, accidents will happen, said LaPierre.

Fairfax, VA — Over the past year media reports have documented the high number of shootings where children happen upon a gun and end up shooting themselves or another person.  Child-involved shootings are rising, and American children are nine times more likely to die in gun accidents than anywhere else in the developed world. The National Rifle Association (“NRA”) has been widely criticized for its insensitivity to these startling statistics, but it is starting to tone down its gun rights rhetoric as our nation is facing a seemingly endless stream of news reports of horrific shootings resulting in the deaths of young children.

Wayne LaPierre, spokesperson for the National Rifle Association (“NRA”) reached out to members of his organization today, offering heartfelt guidance to families who are faced with the dilemma of balancing Second Amendment gun rights against senseless child deaths. In an interview earlier this week with Fox anchor Howard Kurtz, LaPierre for the first time expressed sorrow for the families of child victims of gun violence and offered his innovative plan for helping our nation cope with the tragic national statistics on child-involved shootings.

LaPierre began the interview by acknowledging to Kurtz that in a house filled with firearms, accidents will happen, stating, “Gun owners are like other humans.  We make mistakes, and despite best intentions, those pesky little buggers will take a loaded semi-automatic weapon off a nightstand or out of a mother’s purse, and boom, they shoot their little sister right between the eyes.  I wish there was some way we could prevent this, but it happens, and now every time a kid is shot, the liberal media and gun control nuts jump on it and exploit the situation to push their anti-gun agendas.”

In response to a question from Kurtz about the NRA being viewed as particularly cavalier about the Newtown shootings, LaPierre vehemently disagreed and stated that for the record, he had children of his own, and none of his children had ever shot anyone or been shot.

LaPierre then proceeded to outline the new, kinder, gentler NRA response to families of its members
LaPierre then proceeded to outline the new, kinder, gentler NRA response to families of its members

LaPierre then proceeded to outline the new, kinder, gentler NRA response to families of its members who either were worried about child-involved shootings or had lost a child themselves.  He said that he had spent a lot of time thinking about what the NRA’s position should be and that his epiphany came when he was looking at historical statistics on the number of children per household and child epidemic mortality rates in the early days of our country. LaPierre reported that the average number of children per family in the early 1900s was 4.2, with a mortality rate of almost 30% in some American cities.  He noted that the current incidence of child involved shootings was significantly less than that, suggesting that concern for child-involved deaths was greatly overblown.

However, he went on to explain that looking at these early historical statistics had caused him to have one of those “Aha” moments that revealed the solution to him in a semi-divine way. Kurtz pressed on him to continue, and LaPierre then revealed his deceptively simple one-step solution to handle gun-involved child deaths.

“The NRA is encouraging NRA families to have more children,” LaPierre said.  “That way if one or more child is taken, there are spares.  In the grand old days of our country when the militias ran free, children were dropping like flies in epidemics like small pox or scarlet fever.  When one of them died, parents had more kids as backups to take over the factory and field work of the fallen.  They just moved on and didn’t look back. Let’s face it, if your only kid dies, the pain is going to be a lot worse than if you had other kids to pick up the slack.  People think we’re out of touch, but this is a very family-friendly, kind of retro solution to the problem.”

In the grand old days of our country when the militias ran free, children were dropping like flies in epidemics like small pox or scarlet fever.  When one of them died, parents had more kids as backups to take over the factory and field work of the fallen. ~Wayne LaPierre

When Kurtz questioned LaPierre about the ideal number of children a family should have to prepare for tragedy, LaPierre said that should be left up to the families themselves and not dictated by an over-reaching government.  He concluded the interview by saying, “I am tired of the NRA being viewed as too radical on gun rights.  Here we have a practical solution that’s easy to implement.  If you are one of the lucky NRA families that don’t lose kids to guns, that’s even better, as it means more future NRA members joining us in the ranks.”

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