Fairfax, VA — In a startling new study of its members, the National Rifle Association (NRA) has concluded that gun owners share a number of previously unreported traits, ranging from high levels of patriotism to increased sexual prowess.

“The NRA has long recognized the connection between the size of a man’s arsenal and the size of his shoe if you get my drift,” chuckled NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre. “Now we have irrefutable, scientific proof of our masculinity.”

The survey-based study, already quoted by militiamen across the United States as definitive, polled NRA members with questions such as:

  • Do you bang chicks?
  • You would totally kick a terrorist’s ass, wouldn’t you?
  • Do you support the Constitution?
  • Are you buff?

“Contrary to what liberal shills like professional journalists and PhDs would have you believe, ” LaPierre said  summarizing the results, “NRAers aren’t a bunch of frightened rabbits hiding behind their guns while entertaining paranoid, juvenile delusions of fighting off absurdly cliche bad guys while attractive, nubile women watch in awe of our virility.” He punctuated his speech by tongue kissing his favorite AR-15, Martha while weeping what he described as, “manly tears of freedom.”

Wayne LaPierre demonstrating his sexual prowess by licking an AR-15 during a Congressional hearing.
Wayne LaPierre demonstrating his sexual prowess by licking an AR-15 during a Congressional hearing.

The White House had not formulated a response to the study yet, citing confusion over both the content and methodology. When asked about it, White House spokesman Josh Earnest sighed heavily, replying, “We’ve read the study and … I … I don’t even know what to do with this.”

Carl Rennie of Grass Valley, CA, a lifelong NRA member cheered the study’s findings.

“I’m sick of the leftist media making us out to be cowards just because we need three or four or 17 guns to feel safe doing things most people feel OK doing unarmed. Like it says here, we’re brave,” Carl said, pointing to the one-paragraph summary of the study mailed to NRA members, which he admittedly hadn’t read. “We’re really, really brave.”

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Jon Reremy, PhD
When Jon was a little bitty baby his mama would rock him in the cradle in the old cotton fields where he's from. Growing up in the deep south, he learned to take a punch, a skill he carries with him to this day and looks to pass on to future generations of Reremies. After the tragic monster truck accident that claimed the life of his latest wife, all pending charges were dropped, leaving Jon to pursue his dream of marrying someone younger, hotter, and dirtier. As his hunt continues, Jon lurks around the local junior college, where he hopes to earn his doctorate by attending several classes a month, that he may one day stop lying about having one. When he's not studying or leching, Jon maintains an active television-viewing schedule. On the rare occasion inspiration strikes, he strikes back.