Early this morning, a large police force and the United States Secret Service descended upon 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
“Traffic was a tangled mess,” according to witness, Joe Plumber. “The cops were everywhere. The streets were barricaded for 6 blocks in every direction. No one could get to work,” said another witness.
Metropolitan Police Department of the District of Columbia Chief, Cathy Lanier, spoke to reporters who had gathered in mass several blocks from the south lawn of the White House.
“At 6:12 am, EST, the MPDDC received an emergency call on the Obama Phone of shots fired at the White House. We responded with every on duty unit, all detectives, and all off duty personnel available, as well as fire and medical first responders.” A crush of citizens from the snarled traffic surrounded the press conference.
“Police officers were met at every entrance to the grounds by Secret Service Agents and escorted onto the grounds to hold a perimeter. Homicide detective, B.F. Shalayley, was the first on scene and reported a twitching victim, riddled with bullet holes, in the middle of the south lawn complex. Emergency medical crews have been providing life saving treatment and an air-evac unit is en route,” said Chief Lanier.
The crowd, expecting the worst, murmuring noisily, and growing by the second, listened intently as the chief continued.
“Our investigation has uncovered the identity of the victim in this case as former Vice President, Dick Cheney.”
The crowd roared! Some in disbelief, most in approval.
Chief Lanier continued, “after a brief investigation and interview with President Obama, we are unclear as to the circumstances of Mr. Cheney’s presence on the White House grounds, but it is clear that he was fired upon, repeatedly, by President Obama with an AK-47 assault rifle with a high capacity magazine. The President is fine and in good spirits, although he seems a bit giddy.”
When asked why he shot Mr. Cheney, detectives quoted the President as saying, “I can’t stand that guy but, boy do I love that gun! Everyone should have one!”
When Gish Gallop asked Chief Lanier if charges would be filed in the incident, she replied, “We have not yet concluded our investigation into the matter, but, at this point, it seems to be nothing more than a simple hunting accident.”