Obama Proposes “Leper-like” Colonies For Anti-Vaxxers

Obama via executive order is moving anti-vaxxers to Leper-like colonies
Obama via executive order is moving anti-vaxxers to Leper-like colonies

Washington D.C. — In a last-minute press conference called to address the recent contagious disease outbreaks, President Obama has proposed a solution to deal with the Anti-Vaccination or Anti-Vax movement.

“Reminiscent of yesteryear,” said President Obama from the Oval Office, “when like-minded people gathered together in territories designated to allow them to exercise their rights as American citizens, and move about their community without risking the health and freedoms of their neighbors. Like lepers before them, these Americans will be afforded the luxury of a beautiful landscape far from the rest of civilization in which to raise their children unencumbered by public health requirements”

United States President Obama attempting to convince Americans that bombing New Zealand is part of our national interests.
United States President Obama attempting to convince Americans that leper colonies are the best path for Anti-Vaxxers

The proposal outlines the President’s plan to provide a district or “colony” on American soil where anti-vaxxers would be free to keep their offspring pure, inviting any number of viral epidemics from the Middle Ages through the 1950s without suffering the scorn and judgement of those with opposing belief systems. The proposal comes as a relief to many anti-vaxxers who feel that while the government has no business forcing vaccines on their children, it should be providing support to those who feel ostracized by public opinion.

“I don’t believe government should be involved in my children’s medical decisions,” said Lisa Fellows of Nevada City, CA. “Honestly, I prefer homeschooling and I have home-schooled in the past! I guess if we are excluded then the state will have to provide a teacher for us at home, or even better, a new home where I won’t be subjected to name calling and bullying because I don’t have the same opinion as you do.”

Wendy Dixon, another concerned mother, had this to say. “Leper colonies have a bad rap. What could be better than a secluded community where people could practice good hygiene and organic living-the key to avoiding devastating epidemics. I’m all for it, let’s go!”

Anti-Vaccination "Expert" Lisa Fellows.
Anti-Vaccination “Expert” Lisa Fellows.

Obama has already assigned a task force designated to scout a location for the colony, tentatively dubbed “McCarthyville”, after the movement’s spearheading celebrity, Jenny McCarthy. Task Force leader Quentin Cunningham briefed reporters on their progress.

“Currently we’re looking at a former leper colony location in Kalawao County, HI, more remote sections of the Mohave Desert, and a fairly expansive plot of land in Antarctica, assuming of course we gain approval from the Antarctic Treaty System. We’re hopeful that a few of the other countries involved in the treaty have similar quarantine needs, and we can work on this together. ”

This action from the White House came as a surprise to those recalling the President’s off the cuff comments on the matter in 2008, where he was quoted as saying “the science is inconclusive” in regard to an alleged link between autism and vaccines.

When asked about this, the President replied, “I’m a politician, not a scientist. I have personally reached out to (former) Dr. Andrew Wakefield, whose fraudulent 1998 research paper started this whole division of American parents, and offered him the position of Head of Medicine in McCarthyville. I sincerely hope he accepts that offer.”

Previous articleLong Toilet Lines Planned for Burning Man
Next articleRoad Head Simulator Shows Dangers of Distracted Driving
Violet Matenapolis
Born Alma Greenwalt in Modesto, California Violet Matenapolis changed her first name after leaving home at the age of 17 to make her debut in Hollywood as a dancer. She fell into journalism by accident when her first husband, newspaper mogul Victor Matenapolis, discovered her scathing review of a play she had auditioned for scribbled on the back of a grocery list and put her to work. 5 years into their marriage, Victor was tragically killed in a freak accident while cleaning the tank of their beloved python, Stella. Her finger relentlessly on the pulse of what's hot in popular culture, Ms. Matenapolis spends the majority of her time hunched in the corner of any drinking establishment that offers "signature cocktails", feverishly hunting down stories from the darker recesses of the internet.