Cost-cutting: ObamaCare to Cover Ambulance Balloon Service

A prototype of an Obamacare Ambula-Air Balloon.
A prototype of an Obamacare Ambula-Air Balloon.

Washington, D.C. — The architects of the controversial Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (PPACA), also known as the Affordable Care Act (ACA) and “ObamaCare” or popularly known as “That Healthcare Asshole Plan That Doubled My Insurance Premiums” (THAP-TaDa-MIP, pronounced /thap/ /tˈɑdÉ™/ /mip/) have announced an innovative, cost-effective plan to cut transportation costs to and from the hospital emergency room. Known by its project name, “Ambula-Air,” is a hot air balloon ambulance service for the “non-immediate emergency transportation needs” of ACA patients.

“We’ve been looking at the numbers,” said ACA administrator Rick Hardweld who managed a study in conjunction with the Palo Alto-based Rundex Family Foundation to find solutions to rising health care costs. “And one of the areas that is contributing to a spike in costs is Ambulance trips. They’re really expensive. We’ve tried negotiating directly with the providers, but that was unsuccessful. So we had to think of another program.”

Details of this new program are still in the planning phases, but draft documents obtained by Gish Gallop describe a vast, publicly funded hot air balloon delivery system with as many as three per county. The balloons will remain deflated until needed, and then they will be quickly inflated in under an hour and dispatched to the person in need. Each balloon with have 1-2 paramedics on-board.

“I know some are going to think this is a strange idea,” continued Mr. Hardweld, “but we’ve spent a great deal of time studying this. And it makes the most sense. Sure, if you’re having a heart attack, you’re getting the regular Ambulance. OK? But if you have something that doesn’t require immediate assistance, the hot air balloon is the way to go. Plus, think of what a nice ride it would be.”

Not everyone is convinced this is a good idea.

This is the last thing you will see as you die on your way to the hospital.
This is the last thing you will see as you die on your way to the hospital.

“This is exactly the kind of stuff that made Obamacare the law of the land,” said area man Evan Thomas in an under-medicated, spittle-filled Facebook rant. “The government knows what’s best for us, right? It’s tax. No it’s a penalty. No it’s an ambulance. No it’s a balloon! See what this imaginary great divide is doing to us? It’s independent thinkers like me who understand how things work, not the partisan sheep who have their side to cheer them on. It’s not some distant government administrator who actually has to do something of value. Stupid is as Stupid fears, I guess.

Other critics, who do not have to take medication, had more constructive criticism for the announcement.

“This is the kind of change Americans don’t want,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan. “They want the care they’ve come to expect and that includes ambulances, not hot air balloons. Why didn’t the president and his team consider the obvious solutions like JetPacks. Now there’s a solution the Republicans can get behind.”

According to the Department of Health and Human Services, the program is slated to begin sometime later this year when “the weather cooperates.”