Obama’s Storm Dumps 74 Feet Of Snow On New York City

Obama's modified storm buried NYC
Obama’s modified storm buried New York City and forced three unlikely people to take shelter together.

New York, NY —  As Winter Storm Jonas pummels the Atlantic Coast,  New York City was hit especially hard. Over 72 feet of snow fell over 36 hours, this comes on top of the 2 feet that had already fallen. As the news broke that President Obama is to blame for this storm, Gish Gallop learned that President Obama had ordered NASA to use its High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program or HAARP to alter and strengthen the storm.  As fate would have it, three unlikely Nevada County natives were caught up in the deadly storm.

Anti-marijuana activist Don Bessee  of Alta Sierra, CA was in the city to protest and gather information at the National Pot Growers Association convention. He was forced to take refuge in the city library when the blizzard struck, barely avoiding death. Things got awkward for Bessee when North San Juan, CA cannabis farmer Thomas Kevlin and his girlfriend Susan Hobson, who were also in New York City to attend the convention, were forced to shelter-in-place with Mr. Bessee in the library.

After introducing himself to the two younger kids, Don noticed that they were wearing pot-inspired clothing. Don is vehemently against both the use and cultivation of pot for any reason. He believes that it is the pathway to a degenerate lifestyle. But in this circumstance he had no choice but to take shelter in the small office of the library as it had a working fireplace.

Thomas and Susan, oblivious to Mr. Bessee’s political and moral views, were busy cutting pages from law books to use as rolling paper. When they tried to take pages from Ronald Reagan’s biography, Bessee put his foot down.

“What the hell do you patchouli-stinking losers think you’re doing? That is Ron’s whole life right there,” as he grabbed the book and hugged it, shivering as he sat by the fire.

Hours passed and Thomas and Susan were in to a third marijuana cigarette when the munchies hit. They located the vending machines and proceeded to raid them, taking all the Funyons and Snickers bars.

“Damn hippie stoners think they can just take what they want,” mumbled Mr. Bessee to himself as he dozed off to sleep.

The bear thought Tim tasted a little salty
The bear thought Tim tasted a little salty

Late into the night, as the snow continued to pile up outside, the roof in the main hall collapsed, which awakened and frightened Mr. Bessee. “Oh dear God, please don’t let me die here,” he whimpered.

Thomas and Susan knew exactly what to do to help the anxious Bessee.

As Don finally fell asleep cuddling his Ronald Reagan biography,  Susan rolled up another marijuana cigarette and they took turns blowing the smoke into his face as he slept, which seemed to settle his restless slumber.

And although it may seem that these odd personalities were fated to freeze to death, all was not lost.

As luck would have it, Thomas’s Father worked for NOAA and knew of his son’s location from an earlier phone conversation just before the bulk of the deadly storm hit New York. Mr. Kevlin put together an expedition to rescue the stranded trio.  However Mr. Kevlin’s rescue expedition was not going well. His right-hand man, Tim Sullivan, was killed by a polar bear when they accidentally wandered across the Bronx Zoo. After 30 hours , the remainder of the team finally arrived at the library, weary but alive.

As they entered the library, he found Susan braiding Mr. Bessee’s hair as he smoked some fine OC Kush and spoke of the virtues of Bernie Sanders.

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Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.