Officials Baffled Over Stolen Georgia Guidestones

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Local law enforcement are at a loss to explain how and why someone stole the infamous Georgia Guidestones.
Local law enforcement are at a loss to explain how and why someone stole the infamous Georgia Guidestones.

Elbert County, GA — The Georgia Guidestones, which is a mysterious granite monument erected in the early 1980s that contains a set of 10 guidelines in eight modern languages, has been stolen according to Elbert County Sheriff officials. What baffles investigators is how anyone one could have moved the 200 ton slabs without anyone noticing.

“Someone or something came in late last night and took them,” said Elbert County Sheriff Shayne Heap speaking in an early morning press conference. “Those things are really heavy and it would take a large crew and heavy machinery to move them. We also have no motive in the crime, but there always has been a lot of mischief around the Stones.”

In June 1979, a man using the self-professed pseudonym Robert C. Christian approached the Elberton Granite Finishing company on behalf of “a small group of loyal Americans”, and commissioned the structure. Mr. “Christian” explained that the stones would function as a compass, calendar and clock, and should be capable of withstanding catastrophic events.

A message consisting of a set of ten guidelines or principles is engraved on the Georgia Guidestones in eight different languages, one language on each face of the four large upright stones. The 10 messages say:

  1. Maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature.
  2. Guide reproduction wisely  improving fitness and diversity.
  3. Unite humanity with a living new language.
  4. Rule passion faith, tradition and all things with tempered reason.
  5. Protect people and nations with fair laws and just courts.
  6. Let all nations rule internally resolving external disputes in a world court.
  7. Avoid petty laws and useless officials.
  8. Balance personal rights with social duties.
  9. Prize truth, beauty, love , seeking harmony with the infinite.
  10. Be not a cancer on the earth, Leave room for nature, Leave room for nature.

Over the years, many have attempted to interpret the meaning and purpose of the Stones. Yoko Ono has  praised the inscribed messages as “a stirring call to rational thinking”, while Wired Magazine stated that unspecified opponents have labeled them as the “Ten Commandments of the Antichrist.” Conspiracy theorists like North San Juan’s Skyy Wolford has a different opinion about their meaning, and why they were stolen.

“Yeah, they’re not good,” said Mr. Wolford out in front of the Sierra Super Stop in North San Juan, CA. “It’s clearly a message from global elites that they plan on reducing the human population down to a manageable size. They weren’t ‘stolen’; they are being moved to a safer location, is my guess. We’ll see them again real soon.”

According to Sheriff Heap, the investigation has expanded to include the FBI and several self-appointed “guardians” who showed up in Elberton today.

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Henny Penny

Crap. Humanity has never been disposed to obey rules, no matter how sensible, or have dramatically inscribed on impressive surfaces.

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