Jerk Fire Officials Ruining 4th of July by Banning Fireworks

Burning dry grassGreater Nevada County — Jerk-off officials from the Grass Valley Fire Department and the Nevada County Consolidated Fire District have officially taken all of the fun out out the 4th of July by banning all fireworks. The City of Nevada city remains super cool because they still allow fireworks in the designated areas of Old Nevada City Airport and the Deer Creek basis, although Nevada City is only allowing those lame “Safe and Sane” fireworks in those areas.

“I know there’s like forest fire dangers, and this is a dry year,” complained Ron Mercer of Grass Valley. “But this is my property and I don’t like the government telling me what to do. Even if it makes sense.”

According to the National Fire Protection Association:

  • In 2011, fireworks caused an estimated 17,800 reported fires, including 1,200 total structure fires, 400 vehicle fires, and 16,300 outside and other fires. These fires resulted in an estimated eight reported civilian deaths, 40 civilian injuries and $32 million in direct property damage.
  • In 2012, U.S. hospital emergency rooms treated an estimated 8,700 people for fireworks related injuries; 55% of 2012 emergency room fireworks-related injuries were to the extremities and 31% were to the head.
  • The risk of fireworks injury was highest for young people ages 15-24, followed by children under 10.
  • On Independence Day in a typical year, far more U.S. fires are reported than on any other day, and fireworks account for two out of five of those fires, more than any other cause of fires

Despite these risks of harm to person and property, some local citizens are undeterred.

“Hey, each year my boy and I travel to Mexico to buy 60 cases of bottle rockets. We shoot them off over Lake Wildwood. The neighbors love it, although they never say anything. Except for that jerk Rich Elms. He reports everything. What a punk.”Despite the tardedness of these new fireworks rules, fire officials say it’s the only way to prevent massive loss of life and property.

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