Midland, TX — Investors and energy fans across the Nation’s heartland rejoiced late Monday when a group of industry scientists announced the ability to outsource fracking-induced earthquakes to Nepal. The surprise announcement came as a great relief to Oklahoma and Texas residents who have been recently rocked by numerous earthquakes.
“We’re very excited about the prospect of shipping our ‘energy quakes,’ as we call them, to Nepal where they can better handle them,” said Seth Bedderford, a commodities trader and analyst for the commodities energy firm Vitol. “This is a great opportunity for America to increase its already great energy independent production streak, and reduce property liabilities. This means more fracking. And that’s good for America.”
The Texas scientists, working at the University of Texas at Austin under a grant from the oil field services giant Halliburton Company, have perfected a process that not only increases gas yields at fracking wells, but has the ability to project earthquakes to any location in the world. Because the research was funded by Halliburton, the company own the patents and would not discuss the details of the technology. However a Halliburton spokeswoman did offer this press release.
“Halliburton is committed to making America energy-independent with clean technologies such as natural gas,” said company spokeswoman Bethany Millbright in a prepared statement. “We are constantly striving to not only increase production, but also reducing risk for average Americans. And as we’ve seen in the past couple of weeks, the great people of Nepal are far better prepared for earthquakes than Texans and Oklahomans. So it’s a natural fit.”
According the Federal Emergency Management Agency or FEMA along with receiving America’s earthquakes, Nepal will receive compensation for each quake they endure.
“The Nepalese will receive a sliding scale payout based on the Richter Scale events they experience,” said a FEMA spokesman. “For smaller quakes, they’ll simply receive old re-runs of M.A.S.H., because that’s their favorite show. For larger events, they’ll receive $120,000 for each Richter point, and the option to buy Halliburton stock at discounted prices. We feel , as the Nepalese government agrees, that this is a win-win for both countries.”
According to insiders, the first quake-projection test was a phenomenal success, however Halliburton is disputing the scope and scale of the most recent experiment, which insiders say is expected because the corporate giant wants to avoid divesting stock equity to an ostensible 3rd world county.