Oregon Militia Leaders Arrested, Shot

Oregon Occupier LaVoy Finicum Warns FBI He'd Take Death Over Jail. He got his wish.
Oregon Occupier LaVoy Finicum Warns FBI He’d Take Death Over Jail. Seen here under his bullet-proof blue tarp. He got his wish.

Somewhere in Oregon — Leader of the Oregon standoff Ammon Bundy and five others were arrested Tuesday night, with spokesman LaVoy Finicum killed in a shootout with police. The remaining militia members, still heavily armed and barricaded at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, expressed astonishment at what they considered clear government overreach.

“This is bullshit,” said Oaf Keeper militia member and political activist Misty Smith. “All those patriots did was take over a federal building with guns, refuse to leave, issue ominous and vague threats of violence, destroy public property, rifle through Native American artifacts, and spend weeks terrorizing a nearby small town by randomly showing up places ready to defend themselves against tyranny with deadly force.”

The death of Finicum, whose decision to conduct a television interview from underneath a blue tarp earned him a dedicated following in the #WhiteLivesMatter movement, has become a rallying cry for millions of illiterate gun owners across rural America. The hashtag #RememberTheLaVoy has sprung up all over social media sites, though its popularity has been hampered by the many different spellings of “remember.”

Cliven Bundy, millionaire rancher, father of militia leader Ammon, and self-proclaimed expert on what he calls “the negroes,” issued the following statement.

“If LaVoy was black there would have been people protesting his murder all over the country after the cops gunned him down the first day of the siege. Instead they let him wander the countryside attending meetings and threatening not to be taken alive after openly committing multiple felonies, then eventually killed him in a shootout, and no one seems to think there’s anything suspicious or unfair. It’s reverse racism.”

The elder Bundy noted that neither he nor the militia were racist because they had a black friend.

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Jon Reremy, PhD
When Jon was a little bitty baby his mama would rock him in the cradle in the old cotton fields where he's from. Growing up in the deep south, he learned to take a punch, a skill he carries with him to this day and looks to pass on to future generations of Reremies. After the tragic monster truck accident that claimed the life of his latest wife, all pending charges were dropped, leaving Jon to pursue his dream of marrying someone younger, hotter, and dirtier. As his hunt continues, Jon lurks around the local junior college, where he hopes to earn his doctorate by attending several classes a month, that he may one day stop lying about having one. When he's not studying or leching, Jon maintains an active television-viewing schedule. On the rare occasion inspiration strikes, he strikes back.