Palo Alto, CA — In an unbelievable turn of events, the reach and resources of Gish Gallop have uncovered a bombshell. NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick of the San Francisco 49’ers is the son of terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden.
If you remember Gish Gallop article of September 22, 2014 entitled, “The Resemblance is Uncanny”, we proposed that there might be something to the rumors about the relationship of the quarterback and the terrorist. After more than a year of digging into the sealed records and following the trail of laundered monies, there are more than just rumors swirling about.
This reporter, at serious peril to life and limb, was able to obtain the sealed adoption records of one Colin Kaepernick through channels that are best left unnamed. I will say that county clerks are not trustworthy people by any stretch, whether in Kentucky or Wisconsin. These records, and the money trail that goes with them, leave no doubt about the true identity of Mr. Kaepernick.
When we approached Mr. Kaepernick on Tuesday with our findings, he denied all allegations and was whisked away by an entourage of body guards.
On Tuesday evening Gish Gallop offices in Penn Valley, California received a call from Mr. Kaepernick who stated that he wished to grant us an interview to set the record straight.
Wednesday morning, several Gish Gallop reporters were dispatched to the 49’ers training facility in Palo Alto, California where Mr. Kaepernick wished to “get something off his chest” before heading to St. Louis to be beheaded by the Rams.
In a sit-down interview in the team’s administrative offices, flanked by his agent, Scott Smith, GM Trent Balke, and team president, Jed York, Kaepernick was ready to come clean. The following are excerpts from the interview
I asked Kaepernick if our information was true and correct and was he, indeed, the son of Osama Bin Laden, he replied in the affirmative. Another Gish Gallop reporter asked, “How did this all come about?” Kaepernick breathed a deep breath, just like the breaths he takes each week before being demoralized by opposing teams, and he began to speak.
“When I was very young, about three years old, it was clearly obvious that I was much bigger, faster, and stronger than the other children. I would play, defile the goat or spit on the women, with boys much older than myself and I would usually win. My parents felt like there would be bigger opportunities for me outside of the Middle East. I was sent from Saudi Arabia to live in the U.S. My father, Osama Bin Laden, was readying to undertake a huge mission to bring down the western world. I was to grow up, become famous and trusted, and to become an operative inside the country.”
When asked if he has been involved in the terrorist attacks on U.S. soil, Kaepernick exclaimed, “no way! After spending so many years here in America, I have become indoctrinated into the ways of the western world, and I love it here. I have no desires to use my status or position here to rally those idiotic Jihadists. I am an American, through and through.”
Kaepernick did say that the State Department not only knows who he really is, but they also provide him with security details at taxpayer expense. Kaepernick says he doesn’t really see the need for the security personnel.
“I don’t have anyone threatening me and I am, obviously, no threat myself. Just ask the Seahawks.”